After an involuntary outburst at BAFTA, John Davidson wonders why he was seated so close to a mic

“Initially, my tics were noises and movements, but the more nervous I got, the more my tics ramped up,” Davidson told Variety via email. “When my coprolalia tics came out, my stomach just dropped. As always, I felt a wave of shame and embarrassment hit me all at once. You want the floor to swallow you up. I wanted to disappear. I wanted to hide—just get away from all the eyes […] I was hoping people would understand. My mind was saying: These people have seen the film. They will know I can’t help this. They will know it’s not me. This is exactly why we are here. I was saying in my head, ‘Please don’t judge me. Please understand this isn’t who I am.'”

Following the outburst, Davidson left the auditorium and watched the rest of the ceremony from a private room with a monitor. However, he was a bit confused about how the BBC handled the situation. Davidson, who has spent many periods of his life avoiding public appearances because of his condition, says that I Swear‘s distributor, StudioCanal, worked closely with BAFTA, which “made us all aware that any swearing would be edited out.” Davidson says that the much-publicized incident was not his only outburst that night. “I ticked perhaps 10 different offensive words on the night of the awards,” he says. “The N-word was one of these, and I completely understand its significance in history and in the modern world, but most articles are giving the impression I shouted one single slur on Sunday.” Even still, he says, the BBC should have been aware of his condition and been ready to cut any outbursts from the broadcast. He also probably shouldn’t have been seated next to a microphone.

“I have made four documentaries with the BBC in the past, and feel that they should have been aware of what to expect from Tourette’s and worked harder to prevent anything that I said—which, after all, was some 40 rows back from the stage—from being included in the broadcast,” he continues. “As I reflect on the auditorium, I remember there was a microphone just in front of me, and with hindsight I have to question whether this was wise, so close to where I was seated, knowing I would tic.”