Justin Bieber arrested for driving, assaulting on all the terrain that is his

Demonstrating yet again that there is no terrain which he will not have dominion and maybe a pissy little shoving match over, insouciant scofflaw Justin Bieber was arrested on charges of dangerous driving and assault, after being involved in an accident while piloting an all-terrain vehicle. Bieber was reportedly riding his ATV with occasional accomplice Selena Gomez—likely while pointing out all the different kinds of terrain and bragging that he could drive right over them if he wanted—when he collided with a minivan near Stratford, Ontario, the specific part of the Earth that once spawned a young Justin Bieber to go and wreak havoc on all its other parts. Police reports say Bieber then got into a “physical altercation” with an occupant of that minivan, likely over their right to be on all the terrain Bieber had already claimed as his own.

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These police reports also say that Bieber was driving on a road where ATVs are not allowed without a special permit. “It’s not called a Some Terrain Vehicle,” Bieber likely did not retort, because he knows the small-minded can only see the blinkered paths laid out before them, like rats within a maze. In his weaker moments, he almost pities them.

In a statement released shortly after Bieber was, his exhausted legal team blamed the incident on paparazzi, saying, “Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez’s peaceful retreat in Stratford this weekend was unfortunately disrupted by the unwelcome presence of paparazzi,” before arriving at the natural, night-must-follow-day conclusion that “this has regrettably resulted in charges of dangerous driving and assault.” The statement adds that both Bieber and Gomez are fully cooperating with the investigators, which hopefully won’t result in any more charges—though of course, one never can tell what will happen when lives are disrupted.

Last week, another of Bieber’s peaceful retreats was disrupted, leading to another physical altercation—this time at a Los Angeles-area Dave & Buster’s, which someone tried turning into a house of games by trying to take Bieber’s picture, prompting him to lunge for their phone. While the LAPD reportedly still wants to “talk” to Bieber about the accusations of attempted robbery, no charges have yet been filed—leaving this Canadian arrest the first to trigger an investigation into whether it violates the two-year probation he’s currently serving, after his neighbors’ house disrupted the peaceful retreat of eggs from his hand.

Meanwhile, Bieber has also been instructed to take anger management classes for both that incident and for his arrest for careless driving in Miami, and he has a court appearance scheduled for Sept. 8 in Toronto, to answer charges that he assaulted a limo driver late last year. These are just some of the many terrains Bieber will soon be conquering, in case you want to go ahead and get off of them.