There are certain performances so powerful that you can't help but watch in amazement and wonder how the actor did it. On Sunday night, the world witnessed one such performance when one-time model person Kathy Ireland played the role of Shouty Block Of Wood With Microphone. "What happened to Kathy Ireland?" we all wondered. "Is her brain somehow trapped in cement?" It was, in a word, breathtaking.
What's great about the red carpet is that every interviewer has their own signature style. Guiliana Rancic is a bundle of carrot sticks that tries to befriend everyone. Billy Bush is an evil ventriloquist's dummy with glass eyes and a nest of stinging wasps inside his skull who yells random sentences from Variety right into people's faces. And Kathy Ireland is a sentient, unblinking block of wood that shout-talks compliments at people. She's disconcerting and awkward and was easily the funniest thing about this year's interminable Oscars.
Apparently some people thought that Kathy Ireland was medicated, drunk, or medicated and drunk—which is just silly because sentient blocks of wood can't consume anything but awkwardness. Still, Kathy Ireland felt the need to explain herself in the manner of kings, via Twitter.