Let's Write Bride Wars

By Amelie Gillette | January 8, 2009 | 12:40am

Aux Features Hater

Watching True Beauty on Monday night, I was somewhat surprised (read: angered) by the number of commercials for Bride Wars, which opens on Friday. There were at least three commercials for the movie within a 60 minute period, possibly more but I was in and out of consciousness, so the viewing experience was essentially: Bride Wars commercial, Vanessa Minillo's dead eyes, Bride Wars commercial, Vanessa Minillo judges "scientific beauty" with her dead eyes, Bride Wars commercial, Vanessa Minillo tells someone she lacks sufficient inner beauty and turns her dead eyed gaze on the camera, two "janitors" put a framed portrait in a garbage can.

According to these plentiful commercials, Bride Wars——not to be confused with war brides, which are brides married during wartime, or bridle wars, which are wars fought in stables——is a movie about two best friends, Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway (the brides), who turn zany insane when their weddings are scheduled for the same day, leading to a series of wacky pranks (the titular "wars"). How wacky? Well, pretty obvious, paint-by-numbers movie wacky:

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(Do you think Kate Hudson's second "It's blue!" reaction to her highlights snafu was scripted? I bet it just said "[Kate ad libs horrified reaction]" and "My hair's blue! It's blue!" was all she came up with.)

So a spray tan sabotage, blue highlights, a bedazzled wedding gown, and a wedding day tackle? Maybe they're just saving the funny stuff for the movie (unlikely), but if these are the comedic set pieces for a movie that's being promoted so heavily I feel like I've already bought six tickets, we can all write Kate Hudson hilari-bride comedies. All we need is a sense of the obvious (check!), cursory knowledge of slumber party/wedding clichés (check!), and abundant laziness (double check!). Here are a few jokes I'm working on for my Kate Hudson/Anne Hathaway warring brides comedy Wedding Hell's Belles:

—Hudson gives Hathaway a bouquet of remote-controlled squirting flowers.

—Hathaway puts black shoe polish on the inside of Hudson's veil. How embarrassing! Better yet, she lines the veil with a deadly, fast acting poison that seeps into Hudson's face as soon as she puts it on, thus killing her! That'll teach her to mess with the most important day in a girl's life.

—At her pre-wedding-day manicure (the most important manicure in a girl's life!), Hathaway is soaking her hands in cuticle oil, when she feels terrible, burning pain. She screams in horror. Turns out, Hudson had replaced the cuticle oil with fire. Zing!

—Hathaway embeds powerful whoopie cushions into the soles of Hudson's shoes so it sounds like she's farting as she walks down the aisle.

—Kate Hudson sneaks into Hathaway's honeymoon suite, finds her expensive bridal lingerie, dunks it in water, and then puts it in the mini-bar freezer. Because her character's a complete idiot, Hathaway puts the frozen lingerie on anyway. Her husband sure is in for one frosty wedding night, am I right?

—The day of their rehearsal dinners, Hathaway puts Superglue on Hudson's toilet seat. When she sits down to pee (the rehearsal pee for the most important pee in a girl's life!) Hudson becomes stuck. However, since her character is also a complete idiot, she simply unscrews the toilet seat, puts on her dress, and attends her rehearsal dinner with a toilet seat glued to her butt.

—The night before their weddings, Hudson and Hathaway, both wearing their special white "Bride" baseball caps, meet for a pillow fight showdown. But instead of pillows, they hit each other with bricks (in pillowcases).