As you're probably more than aware of by now, Valentine's Day—the movie that is sure to be the worst ensemble romantic comedy thus far in human history—is an exercise in diffusion of responsibility. The famous cast is so big that when the movie is eventually blamed for killing comedy, romance, cinema, and the human ideal of love, these actors can look around and honestly claim, "Well, I didn't do it."
How big is the famous cast of Valentine's Day? So big that 75% of the trailer is just dousing the screen in Pepto-pink and listing who's in the movie:
So we've got: Ashton Kutcher playing a wise-crackin' florist; Jessica Alba playing Ashton's fianceé who he apparently dared to wear a terrible wig for all of Valentine's Day; Topher Grace playing the mail room dude who forgot all about Valentine's Day; Jessica Biel playing the saddest woman in the world; Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner playing a high school unicorn and a high school Husky who are interviewed by the local news because they're so blandly in love and apparently nothing else happened in that town that day; Hector Elizando and Shirley MacLaine play sassy grandpa and sassy grandma, respectively; Emma Roberts plays a teen who inexplicably talks about sex with her grandparents; Julia Roberts plays a woman in a drab sweater who flirts with Jeremy Piven on a plane on Valentine's Day; Bradley Cooper plays Jeremy Piven; and Jennifer Garner, of course, plays a pedophile.
That still leaves a lot of stars without half-formed, cliché-ridden, Valentine-themed, mini-storylines to agonizingly unfold to the sound of The Black Eyed Peas—and this movie opens in 2 months. Who is going to write them? Garry Marshall? No, he played Mr. Wrigley ("Gum?"—Garry Marshall, A League Of Their Own) in A League Of Their Own. He's done enough. Below are a few suggestions for half-formed, cliché-ridden, Valentine-themed mini-storylines for everyone else in Valentine's Day.
Kathy Bates—Matchmaking psychic of some kind.