Lindsay Lohan has had an epiphany, will dedicate herself to helping other people have epiphanies

By Sean O'Neal | February 28, 2013 | 11:38pm

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An epiphany—derived from the ancient Greek word describing a sudden spiritual awakening conveyed through your lawyer—has dawned on Lindsay Lohan, as the actress has been struck with the spiritual revelation that she would like to not go to jail, a place where the spirit is crushed and cannot earn any money. “Being re-arrested and facing going back to jail caused her to have an epiphany,” Lohan’s attorney Mark Heller told E! News of his client’s road to Damascus moment, which occurred just before her trial for a June charge of reckless driving, and fortunately not while she was literally on any roads. “Sometimes the cumulative effect of everything in your life percolates and you have a realization and a clarity that things have to change,” he said.

That realization—fortuitously timed just before anyone could court-order her to change, because she already epiphanied that—has now led Lohan to consider a new life devoted to charity, sharing her newfound enlightenment with the less fortunate who are not Lindsay Lohan, and probably haven’t had any epiphanies of their own yet.

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“The things we are exploring are going to a hospital setting and working with young girls and trying to cheer them up and encourage them to have confidence that their health will improve and have hope,” Heller said, of his plans to cheer up sick people by arranging conversations with Lindsay Lohan. “And going to schools and giving inspirational speeches and encouraging young people to make the right choices,” he added, of the many schools that would someday have Lindsay Lohan lecturing their students on how actions have consequences.

“Hi, I’m Lindsay Lohan. You’re not going to die,” Lohan recited into her mirror. She picked up the cup of ice chips an assistant had prepared for her so she could practice. Out of habit, she threw the cup at her own reflection, screaming, “Get the fuck away from me!”

Her assistant shook her head, gently chiding, “Again.”

Lohan sighed. She picked up the cup. This, like all epiphanies, would take time.