If the pandemic has reminded us of anything, it’s that celebrities might as well live on another planet. When they’re not stitching together terrible “Imagine” covers from the comfort of their mansion quarantines in some aimless effort at inspiring solidarity, they’re offering unhelpful observations, like Madonna, who’s been sitting around complaining about how hard it is to be rich and bored and waxing philosophical about the hidden benefits of everyone, rich or poor, being able to die from the same disease.
Though the original video has been deleted from Madonna’s social media channels, suggesting that she might have thought better of the message in the come-down following its posting, The Telegraph reposted the video on its YouTube channel. In a clear rip-off of Stephen Colbert’s bathtub monologue, Madonna sits in a tub filled with rose petals and gives us her much-needed coronavirus observations. “That’s the thing about COVID-19,” she says as a sad piano melody plays behind her words. “It doesn’t care about how rich you are, how famous you are, how funny you are, how smart you are, where you live, how old you are, what amazing stories you can tell. It’s the great equalizer. What’s terrible about it is what’s great about it. What’s terrible about it is it’s made us all equal in many ways.”
Like most pseudo-profundity, Madonna’s COVID-19 thoughts don’t hold up to much scrutiny. For one thing, celebrities are getting tested for this shit way more than non-famous people and, if the worst does happen and they need medical attention, they have the money and time to receive excellent care along with the financial stability to weather the storm. As it turns out, like all illnesses and socially-disruptive crises, COVID-19 absolutely does “care about how rich you are, how famous you are.” (It does seem to matter somewhat “how old you are” and “where you live,” too!)
For anyone hoping to soak in more of this kind of thing, please know that the video is part of Madonna’s ongoing series of “quarantine diaries.” These are basically just home videos that give her an excuse to refer to herself in either third or first person while reading typewritten notes complaining about relatable stuff like missing her horses, having to make “do or die decisions,” and just being bored spending lots of free time doing whatever she wants in a nice home. She also mentions that “COVID-19 will definitely make me a more tolerant person,” which is nice, we guess.
If we must listen to what the rich and famous have to say about all of this, let’s at least tune out the most dangerous takes and just rely on advice from the ones who offer commonsense messages (preferably delivered with a little help from some barnyard animals). Or, failing that, receive their wisdom second-hand after people get finished making fun of it.
Send Great Job, Internet tips to firstname.lastname@example.org