Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Man survives samurai sword attack, lives to say a bunch of righteous shit about it

Illustration for article titled Man survives samurai sword attack, lives to say a bunch of righteous shit about it
Photo: NBC (Getty Images)

Relationships are hard. That’s why it’s important, before you embark on a new romantic journey, that you do your best to prepare yourself for any possible scenario. And that includes random attacks by samurai sword. Don’t believe us? Just ask 29-year-old Alex Lovell who, as reported by The Washington Post, was attacked in his sleep by his samurai-sword-wielding girlfriend, but survived in order to say some bizarrely righteous shit about it.

“I was able to wing chun my way to survival,” Lovell told reporters after using his Chinese martial arts training to counter the attacks of Emily Javier, his spurned lover. According to Javier, she had reason to believe Lovell was cheating on her after finding the Tinder app downloaded on his phone and another woman’s hair in the shower drain. After a week of being regularly ignored by a partner she believed to be unfaithful, Javier hatched a plan to buy a samurai sword from the mall, tape it to the side of their bed, and stab him in his sleep. Thanks to his quick wits and training, Lovell miraculously survived the attack and went on to establish himself as a very weird guy who says weird stuff.

“I saw the look in her eyes and it scared the living poop out of me,” Lovell said, on the record, to another adult. “I didn’t see it coming, but it makes sense that it happened. She obviously didn’t want anyone else to have me, so—samurai sword.”


Despite his casual retelling of the events, Lovell was admittedly proud to have survived an attack from a “samurai wannabe crazy lady,” which is an event he claims to have “been preparing [his] whole life for.” If you’re wondering what kind of man spends his entire life preparing to be attacked in his sleep by loved one with a sword, let us tell you a bit more about Alex Lovell.

Known online as “Biggie,” Lovell is an avid PlayerUnknown BattleGrounds player and regularly logs 12 to 13 hours a day playing the game. This commitment to gaming requires regular “exercises for his hands, wrists, and shoulders, and also practicing mouse moves and techniques to maximize performance.” Lovell partially credits his survival to this regimen saying, “I wasn’t a sweaty nerd, more of an Ethlete.”

As for the cheating allegations, Lovell adamantly denies them and, even if they were true, it’s not a justification for getting stabbed. Dumped, yes. Stabbed, no. According to the Post, Javier pleaded not guilty to first-degree attempted murder and remains in custody, while Lovell is still riding high off his victory and freely sharing insane quotes with the public. “I’ve played all the sports, won big games, landed some decent tricks on my snowboard. This was better.”

Send Great Job, Internet tips to gji@theonion.com


Contributor, The A.V. Club. Pay me to write for you, you coward.

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