March 5, 2008
Open marriages—do they ever work?
After 16 years and one kid, my husband
and I are considering an open marriage. Over a year ago, I met another man who
I was attracted to and wanted to fuck. I had met men like this throughout our
marriage, but never did anything because I was married and respectful of the
monogamous relationship we had. I would just bring that "crush" energy home and
take it out on my husband. Our sex life has always been okay, nothing mind-blowing,
but steady.
Well, we hit the inevitable rut that
couples sometimes get into, and I was bored and frustrated and wanted more than
my husband was giving me. I asked, but he just wasn't interested in exploring
anything more than the vanilla sex we were already having. I gently tried toys,
porn, going out to bars and checking out others for three-ways. He wasn't
interested. So I made peace with the fact that I was stuck with a vanilla guy
and just focused on the other parts that worked—good partner, good man,
steady guy. A little boring, but better than a drama freak.
Then about a year ago, I met someone who
turned from a friendship into a strong attraction. Instead of having an affair,
I told my husband that I wanted to be able to pursue sex with this person since
I wasn't getting what I wanted at home. Husband got pissed and said no way (no
surprise), but that if I did do anything, he didn't want to know about it.
Don't ask, don't tell. I didn't do anything out of respect for him, but it made
me resentful. So I decided to ask for a divorce before entering into an affair,
and about five months ago my husband and I separated. I have been seeing the
other man during this time, and the sex has been amazing—he's doing the
things that I begged my husband to do with me. My husband has been miserable
without me and has agreed to an open marriage so we can still be together, be a
family, and I can be free to have an outside relationship. My husband is also
free to have an outside relationship. He now accepts that I've been with
another man (whom he has met), and that I am capable of loving him as a husband
while having a sexual relationship on the side.
This has been a long letter, I realize,
but all I want to know is if this is a recipe for disaster. Am I fooling myself
about the reality of opening a marriage up to include outside lovers? Does it
only sound good in theory?
Trying
To Find Happiness
Open
marriages work, TTFH, but only sometimes—just like, um, what are those
other things that only work sometimes called again? Oh, right: closed
marriages. Will your open marriage work? I couldn't tell you. But I can tell
you something that you already know: Your closed marriage definitely wasn't
working. You were no longer willing to settle for the sex life you shared with
your husband, you decided to separate, and you were headed for divorce. Then your
husband concluded that being together and being a family was more important to
him than being sexually exclusive. And so you're back together—for now.
Will
it work out over the long run? It could, TTFH, but only if you keep those lines
of communication open, treat each other with love and respect, and make sure
that, emotionally if not sexually, you are each other's top priority.
And
if your open marriage doesn't work out, if it's a disaster, what's the worst
that can happen? You wind up getting a divorce—which you were about to do
anyway. So I wouldn't say that openness is a threat to your marriage, TTFH. I'd
say it's your marriage's last chance.
I
just started dating a great girl who is significantly younger than me. I'm 35
and she's 20. As a longtime reader, I know and agree with your "campsite rule"
about having sex with younger people: I have a responsibility to leave her in
better shape than I found her. Part of that is easy—be honest, caring,
open, GGG, etc.—but I would like to humbly request that you ask your
readers who have been in relationships with a large age gap what their partners
did for them that left them better off? Or worse off? Love the column and
podcast!
One
Less Douche
Honoring
my campsite rule—which applies to older folks sleeping with significantly
younger folks—doesn't merely require that you be honest, caring, open,
and GGG, OLD. It also means that you do all you can to make sure this young
woman emerges from this relationship with no STIs, no fertilized eggs, no
restraining orders, no emotional trauma, and with improved sexual skills.
To
aid you in doing that, I'm happy to invite readers to serve up specific,
real-life examples of older partners honoring the campsite rule. Were you once
involved with a significantly older partner? Did you emerge in better shape?
Please write in and let us know what your older partner did right—or
wrong.
I'm
a loyal fan and a physician who cares for people living with HIV. I was reading
a column from a few months back and appreciated your candid response to an
HIV-negative man who was embarking on a new sexual relationship with a known
HIV-positive man.
However,
I would have hoped that you would touch upon what a guy should do if a condom
DOES break. According to CDC guidelines, if a person receives HIV medicine
within 72 hours of a condom breaking or another "exposure," there is evidence
that you can actually prevent HIV infection. Of course, these medicines have to
be taken for 28 days, have lots of side effects, and are not always effective.
I would never promote unprotected sex with the idea that you could just take
the medicines afterward and have no worries. The medical world has termed this
"postexposure prophylaxis." It has been the standard of care since January
2005.
I
was just hoping that you would share this with your readers. From the number of
patients I continue to see, I am unsure if this is public knowledge.
Pittsburgh
Doctor
Thanks
for sharing, PD.
NOW
FOR A LITTLE SEX-POSITIVE JOURNALISM: Recently, the sex-negative journalism of a
certain teeveenewz reporter—Kandiss Crone of WLBT News in Jackson,
Mississippi—annoyed me so much that I devoted an entire column to
slapping Crone around. I even urged my readers to send Crone angry e-mails and,
er, used sex toys. Perhaps I went a little overboard. Crone isn't the only
"journalist" out there doing idiotic, sex-negative work. Fact is, most of what
gets written and published about sex is negative and sensationalistic.
This
sad state of affairs inspired the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom, the
Center for Sex & Culture, Babeland, and journalist Miriam Axel-Lute to
launch the Sex-Positive Journalism Awards. By drawing attention to good,
sex-positive reporting, the "Sexies" hope to promote fair, accurate, and non-sensationalized
coverage of sexual topics.
"The
fact that sex-positive journalism is so rare means we need the help of all of
you readers out there to help us turn up those gems of good, objective,
sex-positive reporting," says Axel-Lute. "Especially in mainstream sources."
I'm
proud to have been asked to serve as a judge for the first annual Sex-Positive
Journalism Awards. The deadline for submissions for the first annual "Sexies"
is March 23, 2008. (The piece must have been published during 2007.) Anyone can
submit a piece for consideration at the "Sexies" website: sexies.org.
Anything
by Kandiss Crone is, of course, ineligible.
Download Savage Lovecast (my
weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
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