May 28, 2008

I'm a straight male and I love my fiancée. She's
perfect. But while I am physically attracted to her, I find myself masturbating
rather than having sex with her. She knows, but we don't talk about it—we
can't—and recently she walked in on me, and it was very awkward. I put it
away and she pretended she didn't see.

At first I just assumed I was masturbating
because I was prone to romantic "dry spells" and was used to taking care of
things myself. But at this point, she's sleeping in the other room and I'm
quietly jerking it, knowing that I could have her. We don't have sex much and I
think it's hurting our relationship.

Right Handed Man

If you and the fiancée are
too embarrassed, immature, or ashamed to discuss the state of your sex
lives—your preference for your right hand, your lack of a strong sexual connection,
what she saw and when she saw it—then you're not ready for marriage, RHM.
Period. If you can't communicate openly and successfully about sex now, when you're merely engaged, you're going to find
these issues impossible to confront after marriage permanently raises the
stakes. All you risk now is a relatively uncomplicated, if emotionally
traumatic, end to an engagement. After marriage, you're both going to be
acutely aware that a Big Talk about your sex life carries the risk of a big,
messy, humiliating divorce.

Oh, and speaking of poor
communication skills: I couldn't help but notice that you neglected to ask me a
single question. You gave me the facts—you could have her, but you're
jerkin' it; she's aware of it, but you don't talk about it—but you didn't
ask for help, advice, or anything at all. So I'm guessing that you're the one
with communication issues here, RHM, not your fiancée.

And what's with the
passive voice? You "find [yourself] masturbating." How does that work exactly?
You jump into a time machine, travel to your bathroom an hour in the future,
and discover your future self jerking it? Sorry, RHM, but masturbation isn't
something that happens to you—it's not a tax audit or a flat tire or a
meteor strike. It's something you decide to do.

And here's why you're
deciding to masturbate when you could be banging away at the fiancée: You're an
insecure bag of slop. When you masturbate, RHM, you're in total control. You
can fantasize about whatever you like and, just as importantly, you don't have
to take any responsibility for your partner's pleasure, nor do you have to risk
failure. Masturbation allows you to have orgasms free of any performance
anxiety—after all, only schizophrenics experience performance anxiety
when they jerk it.

Here's what you need to
do, RHM: First step, admit you have a problem—not to me, to her. Then refrain from
masturbating. Just don't do it. Refrain from beating off until you've broken
your dysfunctional jerk-and-regret cycle, commit to only having orgasms in her
presence, and initiate long, open-ended conversations about your turn-ons, her
turn-ons, your sexual expectations, her sexual expectations.

Masturbation will, of
course, be part of your adult, married life. All men masturbate—single,
dating, married, divorced—but a man who prefers masturbation over sex at
all times isn't husband material, RHM; he's ex-husband material.

I am 28, female, and bi. My fiancé is 36, male,
and straight.

Before we got together, I was notorious for FFM
threesomes and occasionally sleeping with my female friends. He made it clear
that being with him meant no more sex with other women. "Cheating is cheating,"
he says, and he's not into threesomes. It's a long-term, non-negotiable deal
breaker for him.

But recently, while traveling, I met up with an
old female "friend." The sexual chemistry was still strong. We got a little
drunk, kissed, cuddled, and slept in the same bed. I didn't mention it to my
fiancé because I felt like it wasn't really a big deal. Now I'm not so sure.
Throughout our relationship, I've satisfied my desires for women with
lesbian/bi erotica and masturbation, and I've been fine with that. But now I'm
having sexual dreams about this girl and waking up feeling horny and guilty.
It's been three years since I had sex with a woman and I miss it. Should I talk
to my fiancé about this before the wedding?

Bi Bi Bridie

Oh for crying out loud. YES, YOU SHOULD TALK TO
HIM ABOUT THIS BEFORE THE WEDDING. Talk about your bisexuality, his irrational
ultimatums, the fact that you've already come this close (picture me holding my
thumb and index finger a clit's width apart) to cheating on him
already—address all this shit before you two dumbfucks get married.

I'm sorry for flying off the handle, BBB, but I
debated an anti-gay ranter on CNN last week after the California Supreme Court
ruled that same-sex couples had a constitutional right to marry. The
hater—Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council—insisted that
high rates of heterosexual divorce are proof that gay people shouldn't be
allowed to marry. I'm not sure how that works exactly. I mean, when a group of
people have proven themselves to be incapable of touching something without
totally fucking it up—heterosexuals and marriage, Republicans and
government—it doesn't make sense to insist that the screw-ups, and only
the screw-ups, should be allowed to touch that thing. Maybe the solution for
marriage/governance is to ban heterosexuals/Republicans from
marrying/governing—or at least suspend them for a while—and let someone
else have a crack at it. Christ.

Back to you, BBB: Before you marry this man, you
need to hammer out an agreement, something you both can live with—and you
can't live without pussy. An accommodation has to be made, or you will
ultimately cheat on this man, and your entirely predictable divorce will be
held up by douchebags like Tony Perkins as proof that my boyfriend and I
shouldn't be allowed to marry.

I'm madly in love with my girlfriend. She's
beautiful, intelligent, progressive, and has a bum that makes me bite my
knuckles every time she takes off her pants. Serious "the one" potential here.
One problem: My girlfriend is adamant that she will not get married until
everyone, regardless of sexual orientation, is free to marry. So where do I
sign up to fight for equal marriage rights? What can a newbie like me do to
help?

Adam In British Columbia

So… your girlfriend isn't going to get married
until everyone can—including, presumably, gay men in Saudi Arabia (where
they cut the heads off gay men), lesbians in Jamaica (where they lynch
lesbians), and homos in Russia (where fascist thugs beat homos in front of the
police). So you might not want to set a wedding date anytime before, oh, June
of the year 2608.

Please tell your girlfriend from me, a geigh, that
we don't want straight people to stop getting married—divorced, yes;
married, no—particularly straights up in Canada, where everyone already can get married. If she wants
to do something concrete about equal marriage rights, tell her to make a large
donation to equalityforall.com, the group in California that is working to
defeat an anti-gay-marriage amendment to California's state constitution that
will be on the ballot this fall. Her donation would actually be helpful. Her
stand is useless.

Download the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every
Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

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