Meet Shirley Temple King, the internet's toughest (and youngest) Shirley Temple critic
Before the internet, children had to exchange Shirley Temple reviews through word of mouth. It was a primitive time—an age where the finer points of non-alcoholic cocktail flavor profiles were ephemeral, the hard-won knowledge of kids everywhere lost to time soon after its owners grew up. Now, in 2020, we have The Shirley Temple King, a boy who’s been steadily reviewing every one of the fizzy red drinks he can find and committing them to posterity on his Instagram.
Under a page description that reads “Rating Shirley Temples (non alcoholic duhh) across all sorts of establishments,” we’re greeted with row after row of the King himself smiling into the camera, almost always next to a glass of the beverage to which he’s devoted his early critical work.
Through one recent video, we see the cornerstones of his review style all in one place. The King introduces himself, proclaiming his love of both Shirley Temples and Super Mario, then takes a sip. “Well, I don’t really like the cup ‘cause it’s plastic,” he says, getting the words out before the immediate first impression of taste can leave his mind. “But also, it’s kinda like … they got one cherry, but they did a bit too much grenadine. So I’m gonna give it a flat seven.”
The King doesn’t mince words. Watch him in an earlier video, dissecting a sip that, while “pretty good,” has “too much 7-Up, too much Sprite,” and awarding it a measly 6.2.