Ever since man first gazed up in wonder and spat at the ground in contempt, he has longed to fly—to slip the surly bonds of earth and touch the face of God, then draw a massive dick on it. Yesterday, a Navy pilot stationed near Okanogan, Washington, finally realized that dream while singlehandedly justifying America’s wildly inflated defense budget, using the contrails of his fighter jet to scrawl an enormous penis across the firmament. There his work gazed down majestically across the valleys, a testament to all that humanity has wrested from the heavens through its own ingenuity and tenacity, and all it has accomplished with it.
Not everyone was excited to see a big dick and balls, however. As CBS affiliate KREM reported, a local mother was scandalized by the gossamer dong, worried that she might have to explain it to her young children—shrewd kids who were obviously well-versed in aesthetics, who wouldn’t buy her deflections of “top hat,” “a boot,” or even “some ovals” for a second. Eventually, word of this woman and her little Jerry Saltzes reached the Navy itself, forcing it to issue this official statement: “The Navy holds its aircrew to the highest standards and we find this absolutely unacceptable, of zero training value and we are holding the crew accountable.”
Accountable for what? For lassoing the wild blue yonder and taming it to mankind’s indomitable, schlong-drawing will? For what The Spokesman-Review describes as a community bonding experience, where “locals shared a few laughs” and excitedly posted to social media about this celestial Johnson laid triumphantly across the stratosphere?
This crew was simply fulfilling the manifest destiny launched that fateful day in Kitty Hawk, when Orville and Wilbur Wright fulfilled mankind’s millennia of yearning to stretch its wings and tea-bag gravity. But alas, this dick Icarus drew it too close to the sun, and now he must fall.
Fortunately for them, the Navy appears to be handling this big penis itself, as KREM’s call to the Federal Aviation Administration was met with a shrug that the agency “cannot police morality.” It then returned to ensuring that the only dicks in the sky were employed by commercial airlines.