Ever since man first gazed up in wonder and spat at the ground in contempt, he has longed to fly—to slip the surly bonds of earth and touch the face of God, then draw a massive dick on it. Yesterday, a Navy pilot stationed near Okanogan, Washington, finally realized that dream while singlehandedly justifying America’s wildly inflated defense budget, using the contrails of his fighter jet to scrawl an enormous penis across the firmament. There his work gazed down majestically across the valleys, a testament to all that humanity has wrested from the heavens through its own ingenuity and tenacity, and all it has accomplished with it.
Not everyone was excited to see a big dick and balls, however. As CBS affiliate KREM reported, a local mother was scandalized by the gossamer dong, worried that she might have to explain it to her young children—shrewd kids who were obviously well-versed in aesthetics, who wouldn’t buy her deflections of “top hat,” “a boot,” or even “some ovals” for a second. Eventually, word of this woman and her little Jerry Saltzes reached the Navy itself, forcing it to issue this official statement: “The Navy holds its aircrew to the highest standards and we find this absolutely unacceptable, of zero training value and we are holding the crew accountable.”
Accountable for what? For lassoing the wild blue yonder and taming it to mankind’s indomitable, schlong-drawing will? For what The Spokesman-Review describes as a community bonding experience, where “locals shared a few laughs” and excitedly posted to social media about this celestial Johnson laid triumphantly across the stratosphere?