Nobody expects the NBA finals

It Takes A Church (GSN, 9 p.m.): “Christians across the country help single parishioners from their congregations find a partner.” …So, what do you think it’s like to work at the Game Show Network?

L.A. Hair (WE, 9 p.m.): “Hotlanta, Hair We Come” is the name of tonight’s episode. Which reminds us purely of this:

Which we watched, live, because there was a period in our lives where we were watching The Fashion Show hosted by Iman and Issac Mizrahi live, because we were semi-unemployed and mostly miserable, and it all seemed like a good idea at the time. And though poor Calvin Tran was probably coached to say that by the show’s producers, the internet’s subsequent adoration of the phrase offers us some small validation of that weird time in our lives.

Anyway, what were we talking about?

How It’s Made (Science, 9 p.m.): Covered tonight: NASCAR auto bodies, thermal coffeepots. It is time to confess: We don’t know what either of those things are.

Food Court Wars (Food Network, 10 p.m.): It’s a repeat, but we don’t care: “A couple who sell gourmet burgers at local farmers’ markets compete against a pair who dream of operating their own pizzeria.” Food courts: DESTROYER OF DREAMS.

The Princess Diaries (Oxygen, 7:45 p.m.): Have you noticed that there aren’t any diaries in this film? Like, presumably in the novel there are diaries, diarization, diary-like entries, whatever. We cannot remember any diaries occurring organically or artificially in this film. We do, however, remember Julie Andrews.

All The President’s Men (Esquire, 8 p.m.): We had a very funny and somewhat moving blurb written for this film, which is absolutely fantastic, and then the CMS ate what we wrote and now we can’t remember it. There was a crack in there about how All The President’s Men is The West Wing but real, and also about how our favorite book All The King’s Men loosely inspired the film (and at least inspired the title). Humpty Dumpty broke the CMS, though.

Sliding Doors (TCM, 8 p.m.): We also had something funny written for this. Which is a very different, but also kind of great film, as it’s a romantic comedy that gets rather serious about alternate universes and somewhat serious about minor destinies. And John Hannah makes a bunch of Monty Python references! It’s even sort of topical!