You’re probably familiar with Cameo, the service that lets you book famous/almost famous/used-to-be famous people to deliver video messages to your loved ones. You can have Debbie Gibson deliver your Galentine’s message to your best friend for $150, or Larry Thomas, a.k.a. Seinfeld’s “Soup Nazi,” deliver a stern admonition for $80. We’re strongly considering having Jerry from Cheer send us his own inspirational mat talk for $150.
Or, for a slightly higher price ($500), you can use your hard-earned cash to hire an absolute legend: 94-year-old Dick Van Dyke. Hey, he’s probably not going to live forever, despite all evidence to the contrary.
“Hi, I’m Dick Van Dyke… the older version. I’m with Cameo now,” the adorable Van Dyke announces in his introduction video. “Tell me what you want me to say, and I’ll do it.”
In the Cameos he’s already filmed, you’ll see that Van Dyke is not only a man of his word, but hilarious. “Hi Danica,” he says in one after performing a quick soft-shoe routine, “Bobby says you like my dancing? That’s about it these days, and that hurt.” Or you too could send a sweet video where Van Dyke plinks a piano after wishing you a happy 50th birthday. In one, he even offers The Dick Van Dyke Show theme song with its rarely heard lyrics: “So you think that you’ve got trouble / Well, trouble’s a bubble…”
Sure, 500 bones is a lot to scrape together, but if there’s anyone on Cameo who’s earned that price, it’s Dick Van Dyke.
Send Great Job, Internet tips to gji@theonion.com