— James Woods (@RealJamesWoods) November 18, 2016
“Since Twitter is now in the #censorship business, I will no longer use its service for my constitutional right to free speech. #GoodbyeAll,” Woods wrote on the free website Twitter.com, a corporate entity governed by its own independently created, clearly outlined terms of service. It was a dramatic exit for Woods, who’s been a prolific tweeter since 2009 and a staunch believer in Twitter’s enabling of an open, uncensored dialogue among the people. Unless one of those people calls him a “cocaine addict,” in which case he will sue them for $10 million.
After centuries of debate, those limits of free speech were finally established last year to be “Every citizen may, accordingly, speak, write, and print with freedom, except if you call James Woods a cokehead,” after an anonymous Twitter user responded to several of Woods’ posts by doing exactly that. Woods, incensed at the suggestion his insinuations about Barack Obama being a secret Muslim might have been influenced by drugs, filed a libel lawsuit against that user, provoking a long, drawn-out back-and-forth about the right to be a dick on Twitter that ended recently when the defendant died of unknown cases. Woods, a 69-year-old man, subsequently gloated about it a series of since-deleted tweets, saying he hoped the defendant died “screaming my name in agony,” and declaring, “Learn this. Libel me, I’ll sue you. If you die, I’ll follow you to the bowels of Hell. Get it?”
While we’ll all definitely end up listening to James Woods in hell, in the meantime, it seems we’ll no longer be doing so in the dark forest just outside it that is Twitter. It’s possible Woods could eventually find refuge in Gab, the new social media platform for alt-right members and other frog fans, where they can mock “triggers” and “safe spaces” without feeling persecuted. But if you ever wanted to tweet, for example, “James Woods is a giant cokehead,” now’s the time! You could also hypothetically tweet, “James Woods is a giant, manic-depressive, cokehead baby whose evolution into a right-wing troll as a means of ascribing political reasons to his natural slide from cultural relevance is as transparent as his septum from doing so much fucking cocaine.” He‘ll never know!
Why, you could even probably tweet, “James Woods is a cocaine-fueled gasbag who acts as some sort of aggrieved proponent of moral certitude despite telling Obama supporters to ‘put down their crack pipe’ while gleefully celebrating the death of a man who said something similar to him—and who, lest we forget, at the age of 66, dated the 19-year-old daughter of a golfing buddy he’d known since she was 5 years old, then dumped her after she turned 26 and immediately took up with another 20-year-old, which suggests, at best, a deep emotional immaturity and a desperate need for validation on his part, and at worst, a knowingly predatory relationship with women who have clear psychological complexes about their own fathers, and who apparently just love the thought of blowing fat fucking rails off a Stuart Little 2 DVD case while James Woods blathers nonstop about how Marty Scorsese won’t call him back because he’s a Republican now.” You might want to put that one on TwitLonger—but regardless, don’t worry, because James Woods won’t see it!
