There's something about super-hero movies and shows that always gets me—something to do with nostalgia, bright colors and spandex, I expect. I love the best of them, but the worst hold a singular fascination, as there's always such a precipitous drop between concept and execution. A lot of b-grade entertainment fails to live up to its ambitions, but it's hard to imagine a genre that shows that failure quite so starkly. After all, the Hulk should be a physical explosion of repressed rage, not a body-builder in green paint and a bad wig; Reed Richards should be able to stretch and twist himself in ways that boggle the mind, not just trip people with slightly better efficiency. And that gap between aim and achievement doesn't just affect the effects work. Even the best writers can struggle to tell convincing stories around powerful individuals, and when you're working to bring something in under-budget and keep it palatable for Standards and Practices, odds are you aren't going to be too worried about the "convincing" part.
Which brings us to Isis. Originally airing as part of the Shazam/Isis Magic Hour¸ The Secret of Isis ran 22 episodes in the mid-seventies and followed the adventures of high school teacher Andrea Thomas (JoAnna Cameron) and her semi-divine alter-ego. As the opening of each episode informs us, Andrea was on an archaeological dig in Egypt (the show never really pinpoints exactly what Andrea teaches, although if I had to guess, I'd say "Science") when she discovered a box with a spray-painted gold scarab glued to the top; inside the box was a magical amulet, instead of the death curse that any reasonable person would've expected. When worn, the amulet allows Andrea to call on the powers of Isis, goddess of magic, sailors, and pretty much anything necessary to meet story demands.
The problem being, those demands never amount to much. Most every episode of Isis follows the same structure: we see Andrea hanging out with fellow teacher and near love interest Rick Mason (the comfortingly non-threatening Brian Cutler) and student buddy Cindy Lee (the terrifyingly perky Joanna Pang, eventually to replaced by the equally chipper Ronalda Douglas), there's moderate banter, and we're introduced to the troubled teens who will most likely serve as the impetus for this week's woes. Andrea puts on her Isis mini-skirt twice each ep, once at around the ten minute mark, and then again at the climax; her powers revolve around a kicky new wardrobe and hair style, and the ability to ask for the goddess's help through rhyming couplets like "Oh zephyr winds that blow on high/lift me now, so I can fly." By the time we find our way to the end credits, lessons have been learned (friendship, self-respect, knowing your limits, if people make fun of you it’s because you’re pathetic, etc.), conflicts resolved, and the reset button punched for our next big adventure.
Andrea is quick on her feet, rhyming-wise, and you'd think she could devote her time towards fighting against some pretty serious threats. In this, you would be wrong. Isis’s entire run is available on DVD (Shazam remains AWOL, sadly), and I highly recommend it to anyone with a good supply of beer, like-minded friends, and a yen for smug super-hero silliness. To give you a taste of what you’re missing, here are some highlights:
“Spots of the Leopard”
The set-up isn’t too bad; an ex-con is trying to prove he’s reformed to his suspicious daughter, only a corrupt cop is hell-bent on blackmailing the poor guy back into the game. For once we have an actual villain, as opposed to a misunderstanding, and the end even has Isis using her powers to lift up a whole car, which is pretty hardcore. (At least it is for this show.) The silliness comes in during Isis’s first appearance in the episode. Ex-con and daughter are out camping, and the daughter wigs out on her old man and runs off alone into the forest. This is never a good idea in Isis-land—emotion-driven action on the show nearly always has negative consequences—but here the consequences are just embarrassing: in her haste, the daughter trips, falls down a mild incline, and gets her foot trapped under a log. Instead of rolling the log off or, I dunno, lifting it the half-inch needed to get her foot free, our victim whimpers quietly to herself until Isis, who has the power to stop time, comes to her aid.
“Rockhound's Roost”
During a rockfinding field trip (“Come to the park! We have stones!”), two male students wander off to deal with racism, shame, and their post-pubescent bodies. They discover they aren’t that different after all, and to celebrate, they swipe honey from a tree with some really obvious claw marks down the side. While lecturing his friend on the dangers of what they’re doing, one of kids gets his foot stuck in some rocks, and wouldn’t you know it, a bear shows up to go all Goldilocks on both their asses. Isis arrives in time to save the day, creating a ring of fire around the bear before it can start killing folks. This would be pretty cool, if it weren’t for the fact that the “bear” costume looks about as convincing as a bearded shop teacher in a brown sweater. Maybe less so—at least the shop teacher could change his facial expression. Here we’ve got a stunt man in a suit that must’ve been old at the first staging of The Winter’s Tale, complete with easy to distinguish pieces, dead eyes, and a mouth that flops open and closed without regards to the growls on the soundtrack. The best part? Everybody takes the whole thing deadly seriously.