The pigeons have begun their protests. In the past, they were happy enough to be left to their work, unnerving toddlers and small dogs on city sidewalks and snatching up stray bagels left unattended on coffee shop patio tables. Now, their shit-strewn homes threatened by a crusading, anti-pigeon poop Illinois politician, they’ve started a campaign to protect one of their filthy Chicago roosts from outside interference. Their method, of course, involves pooping on that politician as he holds forth on the problem their poop has caused.
This first volley of the revolution has, we are pleased to report, been televised.
During an interview with CBS Chicago about the issues involved with adequately cleaning up Chicago’s Irving Park Blue Line station, which is notoriously covered in pigeon waste, Illinois State Rep. Jaime Andrade was quite literally shit on by the very birds he was discussing.
“Hopefully, they’ll...” he starts to say, before bringing a hand up to his head to make the dread discovery. “Oh, did I just get..? I did, didn’t I?”
There is no visible evidence of the poop on his head, which some conspiracy theorists will no doubt say is evidence that Andrade has launched a false flag operation to further his cause. But, more likely it’s just that the pigeons have issued only a warning shot upon the head of their enemy. They are not unreasonable birds (unless you want to eat a muffin on a bench near them) and know that the war stretching out ahead of them can’t be won with total shit-flinging violence right off the bat.
No, the pigeons have pooped only lightly this time in order to make their position on the Irving Park Blue Line station clean-up effort known while still leaving room for negotiation open. Andrade should consider the meaning of this event carefully, knowing that to press his case too hard could result in a battle that he—and the city of Chicago’s handsoap and shampoo supply—cannot hope to win if the pigeons truly begin to employ their weapons in all-out combat.
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