At long last, we’re happy to share some good news for anyone looking to have an old man shoot their baby in the face with a water pistol: The Catholic Church, surprising us all with its willingness to embrace change, is ready to bless food and infants alike by taking up watery arms in God’s name.
Priests, grim in their determination, are overcoming the challenges of social distancing by imitating that scene toward the end of From Dusk Till Dawn and aiming their water guns’ sights at tiny, confused humans. Photos of these warriors of Christ are currently flooding Twitter, where people are delighting in the discomfort of these soggy, sinful babies.
According to an article from CBS, the priest shown in the bottom left of the above tweet is Detroit’s Father Timothy R. Pelc, who took to the streets outside his church in order to bless Easter food with a holy pistol last month.
Pelc says he ran the idea by a doctor friend after considering using “branches and sprinklers” and went forward with the water gun because it “allowed the dose without any cross contamination.” Unlike the other priests pictured above, Pelc says that even though he has baptisms scheduled for this week, he does “not intend to use the squirt gun,” saying, in true Catholic fashion, that he’s “retired it because I’ve enjoyed it so much.”
There’s been no word yet from the priests shown firing water guns at babies in the other images, but we imagine it might be harder for them to admit how much of a kick they’ve gotten out of the world’s most unevenly matched water wars. After all, they were blasting hapless infants instead of cars filled with Easter food.
Send Great Job, Internet tips to gji@theonion.com