Raw sewage and Jacqueline Bisset's feelings: Everything that was spewed at this year's Golden Globes
Last night all of Hollywood’s biggest stars gathered to create the year’s new crop of memes and reaction GIFS—all save for a select few, like George Clooney and Brad Pitt, who were relocated to a bunker as a safeguard against meteors, in order to preserve the celebrity hierarchy. If you missed the ceremony itself, you can relive it through confusing, now completely context-free quips by replaying our T.V. Club live chat. But here are some of the salient points.
On the red carpet, all eyes were on the raw sewage. For once, this was not a euphemism for E!’s pre-show coverage, but rather the filthy black ooze that spewed forth from a burst sewer pipe, just hours before guests were set to arrive. Everyone agreed that it looked stunning and metaphorical. Most of it was cleaned up before the show, sparing your favorite stars from answering Giuliana Rancic’s question of “Who are you wearing?” with “A symbol of our culture’s creeping moral decay.”
But in the red carpet contest of “who spewed raw sewage best,” E! refused to be upstaged by some pipe:
Amy Poehler and Tina Fey were very funny and charming, for the 15 collective minutes they were allowed on stage. Sidestepping last year’s Taylor Swift “controversy,” the returning duo reserved their choicest zingers for how George Clooney and Leonardo DiCaprio both like to sleep with hot young ladies. (“It’s true! We have so much sex!” a wounded DiCaprio no doubt said, drying his tears on the Victoria’s Secret catalog he uses to order dates.) They did some more good crowd work, ably assisted by Julia Louis-Dreyfus—whose cutaway gags of refusing a selfie with Reese Witherspoon and eating a hot dog made her a sort of silent co-host—and a surprisingly game Bono, and they did the kind of weird improv bit with Poehler playing Fey’s son “Randy” that only those two could have pulled off. But overlong speeches and technical gaffes (see below, or the rest of the show) meant they more or less disappeared for huge stretches. Funny how ads spend months playing up the idea of “spending the night with Tina and Amy,” only to have their cumulative screen time work out to roughly the length of Jacqueline Bisset accepting an award. Speaking of which…
Jacqueline Bisset became the new go-to reference for rambling acceptance speeches. Jacqueline Bisset had never won a Golden Globe, despite being nominated several times since 1968, and she spent her moment accepting Best Supporting Actress in a Miniseries making sure the Hollywood Foreign Press Association felt every intervening year. After a long walk from the Beverly Hilton hinterlands, delayed by her stopping to kiss Jon Voight—which was not, as it turned out, some new HFPA regulation—Bisset delivered a halting speech comprised of platitudes about aging, dealing with critics, and her mother, all of which she’d apparently been saving up for decades. You can watch it yourself, unless you have something to do today.
Nobody wanted to party with Diddy. The erstwhile Puff Daddy presented the awards for Best Score and Best Original Song, merited by his own past duet with Godzilla, and demonstrated admirable restraint in not shouting “Ciroc!” Unfortunately, not everyone was as interested as Diddy was in his story about being on a yacht in St. Barths with All Is Lost composer Alex Ebert—you know, maybe because it’s a movie about a shipwreck, and also, if we wanted to hear how Diddy spends his leisure time, we’d listen to one of his albums and also live in 1999. For the general reaction of the room summed up in one image, look no further than this picture of Bono realizing just in time that Diddy is trying to hug him.
Everyone wanted to party with Emma Thompson. Seriously, who would you rather be on a yacht with in St. Barths? Emma Thompson or fucking Puffy?