Reaching new depths of desperation: 11 (mostly lousy) sequels released in 1983

1. Jaws 3-D
As a quick look of the following list will confirm, picking the worst sequel of 1983 is an exercise in futility. But when it comes to choosing which has the greatest disparity in quality between itself and the original, Jaws 3-D may be the undisputed winner (or loser, as it were). After flirting with the idea of making it a spoof (tentatively titled National Lampoon’s Jaws 3, People 0), Universal execs settled instead on the story—indebted to both Revenge Of The Creature and Gorgo—of a 20-foot great white shark laying siege to SeaWorld, which has inadvertently imprisoned its offspring. Dennis Quaid and John Putch play the grown sons of chief Brody, conveniently shoehorned in to save the day. The first and only directing credit of Joe Alves, who was the production designer on the previous two films in the series, Jaws 3-D skimps on character development, suspense, narrative logic, and visceral shark action. That didn’t stop audiences from turning out in droves, possibly just to see a giant leviathan wreak havoc in three dimensions. (The “D” in the title was dropped when the film came to video and cable, sans its stereoscopic component.) Sadly, this was not the lowest the franchise could go: Just when audiences thought it was safe to go back in the water, along came Jaws: The Revenge four years later.
2. Porky’s II: The Next Day
Bob Clark’s Porky’s was one of the biggest surprise hits of 1982, and one of the most disreputable: Reviews ranged from dismissive to appalled, and even news stories on the movie’s box-office success treated the subject gingerly. Achieving major commercial success without the approval of the cultural gatekeepers seems to have driven Clark mad with power. Fans of the original who turned out for Porky’s II: The Next Day hoping for more horny-teen high jinks were instead treated to an allegory about Clark and his critics. The plot involves first film’s high-school heroes trying to put on a Shakespeare festival, against the objections of a right-wing, hypocritical religious organization, because Shakespeare is cutting-edge and “ribald,” just like Bob Clark. The Moral Majority-types are aided and abetted by the local Ku Klux Klan, because anyone who didn’t like Porky’s is probably racist too. In the end, the Shakespeare-loving cretins of Angel Beach defeat and humiliate their paunchy, middle-aged enemies by subjecting them to (literal) public exposure, thus ensuring that, while Porky’s II does have its full quota of nudity, it’s not the kind the target demographic probably wanted.
3. Octopussy
Ten years and six films into his stint as 007, Roger Moore squandered much of fans’ goodwill with Octopussy. Although not his most ridiculous outing as Bond (at least he stays on Earth), the 13th entry in the franchise finds Moore barely pretending he’s anything other than an aging English gentleman playing around with alligator-shaped submarines and clown makeup. Octopussy was his next-to-last Bond film, and the wear-and-tear on his 007—and on the franchise as a whole—was beginning to show, which spurred subsequent attempts to give the world’s least flappable superspy all the facelifts Moore clearly had. Yet when Never Say Never Again needed an over-the-hill, clearly middle-aged Bond, Sean Connery reprised the role for the film, which was released four months after Octopussy and produced independently of the main franchise. It rekindled the Moore-versus-Connery debate—sadly, the most dynamic thing about Bond cinema circa 1983.
4. The Sting II
Clearly intended to be perceived as a sequel to the 1973 Paul Newman/Robert Redford film, The Sting II was more like a trip into a parallel universe where the roles of Henry “Shaw” Gondorff and Johnny “Kelly” Hooker are occupied by Jackie Gleason and Mac Davis. Ostensibly, Gleason and Davis are playing the same characters as Newman and Redford, respectively, but with slightly different names: Fargo Gondorff and Jake Hooker, and instead of a horse race, this sting revolves around boxing. Despite a screenplay co-authored by David S. Ward, who wrote the original film, and a cast featuring Teri Garr, Karl Malden, and—stepping into Robert Shaw’s role of Doyle Lonnegan—Oliver Reed, there’s nothing about The Sting II that the first film didn’t do better. Director Jeremy Kagan attempted to explain the movie as being inspired by the original and an expansion of its story, but moviegoers didn’t buy it.
5. Superman III
When it comes to sequels, the rule is usually go big, which is why Superman II pit the Man Of Steel against a foe just as tough as he in a skyscraper-smashing brawl. For the third entry in the series, the producers decided to go… smaller? They eschewed D.C.’s usual catalog of villains (a script featuring Brainiac and Mxyzptlk was written and then discarded) and Lois Lane, who only appears briefly. Instead, Superman faces a more fearsome foe than any of his comic-book nemeses: Richard Pryor. The profane comic plays Gus Gorman, an unemployed loser who discovers he has a natural flair for computer programming. Under the direction of corporate schemer Ross Webster (a scenery-chewing Robert Vaughn), Pryor first hacks into a satellite so it can create a tornado (as satellites do), then uses what appears to be a TRS-80 to create a substitute for kryptonite. The fake kryptonite first turns Superman into a callous, lethargic drunk, and then magically splits him into two: Jerk Superman and pure-hearted Clark Kent. The two fight, and obviously good triumphs over evil. But Pryor builds an even more magical computer—one that can launch missiles, shoot a ray of kryptonite, and in a scene that remains unsettling, transform Vaughn’s sister into a super-powered cyborg. Even a movie with Mxyzptlk would’ve been less silly.