Realtor for sports goth paradise will neither confirm nor deny owner's vampirism

By Andrew Paul  |  March 30, 2021 | 6:39pm
Aux Features Vampire
Realtor for sports goth paradise will neither confirm nor deny owner's vampirism
Jordan Peele Screenshot: HBO Max

There are certain immutable facets of nature one notices if paying close enough attention: gravity; the cycle of life and death; the inescapable march of time; and—perhaps most predictable among them all—a new day, a new inexplicably strange online realty listing. Earlier this week, the latter universal truth revealed itself once again in the form of this Baltimore home currently on the market courtesy of what appears to be one sporty-as-hell pair of Goth lovers.

Equal parts The Crow and Las Vegas (by way of Oakland) Raiders sports bar, 228 Townsend Avenue is a pretty nice home, all skulls and crucifixes aside. The listing’s agent, Matt Godbey, certainly thinks so, too, judging by his quick Q&A with Slate posted yesterday. “Unusual for that neighborhood, there’s a double wide driveway, so parking is easier. And you can access the garage from the front or the back—it connects to the alley. It’s a two-car garage,” Godbey explains. The ample parking and space certainly a nice amenity in this day and age. The backyard is also a perfect spot for people hoping to host their next victims friends and family.

“And the backyard—oh, the backyard’s a paradise. [The owner] built, himself, out of stone and granite, a 14-foot wet bar that has built-in coolers and a TV on the wall.”

As for the interior, Godbey admits that, “well, he’s done some updates, as you can see,” which we assume refer to the 180-degree wall and ceiling kink mirrors, black carpeting, BDSM sleigh bed, and ornate wall crosses (we don’t want to jump to conclusions, though). At least the listing agent did apparently manage to get the owner to move all the creepy mannequins out of his basement.

But as candid as Godbey is about the home’s many attractive qualities, there is one glaring fact he refuses to confirm or deny: is 228 Townsend Ave.’s current resident a bloodsucking creature of the night?

“Well, in real estate we talk about the property, not the people, because of housing discrimination,” he replies when pressed about the question. Buyer beware, we guess.

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