Satan offers endorsement of Nicolas Cage movie

By Sean O'Neal  |  September 30, 2014 | 5:12pm
Aux Features Film

Making explicit what has long been implied, Satan has offered his unholy endorsement of the latest Nicolas Cage movie. The Prince of Darkness’ pull-quote—previously reserved only for John Milton poems and DVD sets of Two And A Half Men—appears on the newest poster for Left Behind, the upcoming remake imagining a post-Rapture Earth in which Kirk Cameron is finally called home for Christmas, leaving Cage to wander the purgatory of Christian action films in his stead. As most critics are too bound by secular wickedness to offer testimony based on pure faith before the movie opens on Oct. 3, the Left Behind marketing team instead pulled a blurb from someone it could trust: the Father of Lies.

While the poster’s unflattering, poorly framed photo of a crowded parking lot certainly captures the horror of our forsaken world, it’s really his majesty’s Satanic request that conveys Left Behind’s evangelical message: “Please do not bring unbelievers to this movie,” for fear of their being converted—after rejecting millennia of testimony to God’s good works, pervasive threats of eternal damnation, and societal pressure—by a movie where Nicolas Cage is an airline pilot.

And yet, already clever Christians who know in their hearts not to trust Satan’s movie opinions have responded on the film’s Facebook page, saying, “Satan is a liar and a thief! He comes to destroy! Bring and invite all the unbelievers you can find!” and “Bring all you can to see this movie. Satan doesn’t want anybody to see it… he like non believers, more for his army. Help strengthen the Lords army.” And so, the devil’s thumbs-up on a Nicolas Cage movie poster seems likely to be as effective as that of any other publication.

In related news, Satan enthused that the upcoming Outcast is a “non-stop thrill ride.”

 
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