Savage Love
So I have been in a relationship with the same
guy since I was about 16. It's been a little over four years now, but I came
out to him a year ago about the fact that I'm bisexual, which he has no problem
with. So since then, I have had wild fantasies about a threesome with a really
hot girl. But it's a lot harder to arrange that than it seems. Do you have any
suggestions about how we can find a third? We've already tried Craigslist with
no luck.
Where The Girls At?
You think your luck with Craiglist is bad, WTGA?
Jeff Gradney, a television news reporter in Las
Vegas, lost his job after some anonymous douchebag alerted the management at
KTNV-TV "Channel 13 Action News" to the fact that Gradney and his girlfriend
placed an ad on Craigslist seeking a third. Sexphobia? Definitely. Homophobia?
Perhaps: Gradney and his girlfriend were looking for another dude. And for this
infraction—which had nothing to do with his job performance—Gradney
was fired. So much for "Action News," huh? (People who've had
three-ways—or not—are invited to come to Gradney's defense. Send an
outraged e-mail to KTNV-TV's vice president and general manager Jim Prather at [email protected].)
Gradney's dismissal came a week after a pair of
nationally ranked college wrestlers—including a 2007 national
champion—were booted from the University of Nebraska wrestling team after
it emerged that both had jerked off for an Internet porn site. (Solo jerk-off
scenes, nothing gay about 'em, although the website is aimed at gay men.)
Sexphobes will say that Gradney and those college
wrestlers got what was coming to 'em. People shouldn't let it all hang out on
the Interwebs—or spurt out, in the case of the wrestlers—unless
they're prepared to lose their jobs, their spots on the team, their shot at
being an American Idol, etc. But with so many people documenting their lives
online, and with so many people using the internet as a tool to seek sexual
fulfillment, and in our thoroughly exhibitionist culture, one might think that
people could picture themselves in Gradney's shoes, or those wrestlers'
singlets, and cut 'em a little fucking slack.
If I may tweak a phrase: What happens online really
ought to stay online. Your Internet personals shouldn't be something that can
be used against you by bluenoses at work; if you like to show off and you want
to wank for the web, that shouldn't matter to the douchebags who run the NCAA.
(Hello, NCAA? Want to generate interest in the sport? Encourage more college
wrestlers to make JO videos.) Here's hoping that we soon reach a web-exposure
tipping point, a time when everyone has something out there online that's
sexually explicit or deeply embarrassing or both. When that blessed day
arrives, we'll think twice about firing someone or cutting someone from the
team for the crime of letting it all hang out online, because, hey, we've got
it all hanging out online, too.
As for how to find a third, WTGA: Most people
looking for thirds want someone who's totally trustworthy and honest, someone
who comes guaranteed to be disease-free, but they also want that someone to be
a complete stranger whom they'll never see again after the three-way is over.
Those someones don't exist, WTGA. If you really want to have a three-way, you
either go with the likely-to-be-skeezy stranger you met online and risk
dismemberment, or you approach a trusted, attractive friend and risk rejection.
I am a 30-year-old woman in a relationship with
my childhood sweetheart. My boyfriend and I got together when we were 15.
That's 15 years ago. It was—and remains—an intense and
extraordinary intellectual compatibility. He's the funniest and smartest person
I have ever met. Sure, we have had our ups and downs, but there is a lot of
good stuff there.
Okay, cutting to the chase: I have never slept
with another man, and I don't want to. I no longer want to have sex with him,
and have been having sex with women behind his back. I have long been attracted
to women and suspect I would have been in a relationship with one by now if my
life took a different path. I love my boyfriend, his family, our friends, our
life. But nothing makes me feel more "me" than lying next to a woman after we
have gotten each other off for hours on end. Do I come out, wreck my life and
his, all because of one small part of who I am? Or do I stop being an
unfaithful bitch and make things work with the man I love?
Why Do I Have To Dig Chicks?
First off, WDIHTDC, no one has to dig chicks. It's an
elective, not a course requirement. (Except at Brown, of course.)
Now, seeing as you and your boyfriend are young
enough to get out there and find new partners relatively easily, and seeing as
this man who you profess to love has a right 1) not to be lied to for the rest
of his life, and 2) not to be cheated on for the rest of his life, and 3) to be
with a woman who actually wants to have sex with him, there's only one possible
course of action here. Thank your boyfriend for his years of faithful
service—honor his service—and then cut his ass loose.
If you play your cards right, WDIHTDC, you may be
able to keep your ex, his family, and your mutual friends in your life. But if
you continue to lie and cheat and munch carpet on the down-low, and you get
caught and outed, it's unlikely that your ex, his family, and your mutual
friends will want to see your lying, cheating, carpet-munchin' face ever again.
I just read the advice you gave to the kid
married for six months. His wife bought a strap-on once he brought up anal. You
threw a line in there about the University of Pittsburgh and Bend Over Boyfriend, an
instructional video about pegging. Are you implying that the Pitt girls are
into this? I live 10 minutes from the main campus and would love to find a
dominant pegger. Just don't know how I would even begin the conversation.
Submissive U-Peggee
Did I say that U-Pitt shows Bend Over Boyfriend as a part of freshman
orientation? I may have misspoken. Or mistypen. It's just that I recently gave
a speech at U-Pitt, and the students there asked so many questions about
pegging during the Q&A; that I just assumed Bend Over Boyfriend is shown to incoming
classes at that fine institution of higher learning. (And I'm not saying that
it shouldn't
be shown, only that it isn't. It most definitely should. Indeed, Bend Over
Boyfriend
should be shown continuously in every frat house in North America from late
August through early June.) But I would beg you, SUP, not to stalk U-Pitt's
campus in search of a dominant pegger. If you're having trouble finding a
pegger through normal channels (surfing the web, asking women you're dating,
hanging out at Wendy's), SUP, then you'll just have to rent one.
Oh, and speaking of speaking at colleges: If you
want me to come to your campus and give a talk—we call it "Savage Love Live"—e-mail the
folks who handle my speaking gigs at [email protected].
Download the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every
Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
Got problems? [email protected]