At this point, it has become pretty clear that a lot of the “apologies” that celebrities issue after they’re accused of something awful are pretty similar. They often apologize for whatever they’re accused of while not specifically admitting that they did it, or they’ll say some variation of “I don’t remember this, but I’m trying to look like a good person so I won’t flat-out say my accuser is lying.” Lots of celebrities will arrogantly think it’s also a good idea to try and excuse whatever they’re accused of by revealing some personal details. As formulaic as these apologies are, they still take up time that our entitled celebrities could better spend by denying that they did anything wrong, so Dana Schwartz, Rob Sheridan, and Scott McCaughey have put together a Celebrity Apology Generator that does all of the work for them.
When you load the page, it spits out a generic-ish apology that a famous person can then type up in the Notes app on their iPhone and post on Twitter as a screen shot, at which point they can just sit back and wait for Hollywood to forgive them—or wait until they’re fired from everything and replaced by Christopher Plummer.
Here are a few apology examples, some of which include some phrases that you may recognize from actual celebrity apologies.
While I do not recall the events at the 2009 Golden Globes Party transpiring the same way, the allegations against me are troubling. It was a very long time ago, and of course now I realize my behavior was wrong. In conclusion, I will not change anything about my actions or behavior.
As someone who grew up in a different era, the allegations against me are troubling. I was intoxicated at the time, and of course now I realize my behavior was wrong. In conclusion, I have chosen to live my life as a gay man so if you say anything bad about me now you’re homophobic.
As the father of daughters, I am deeply ashamed (but not “sorry” because that means I’m guilty of something). It was a very long time ago, and of course now I realize my behavior was wrong. In conclusion, I will wait 2-3 years before reappearing in film and TV and just sort of hope you all forget about this.