No, Shaq didn’t ask Sabrina Carpenter for a bottle of her farts

In the exchange, fake Shaq then told fake Sabrina, “I’m Shaq what’s your name baby?”, a dyad of unnecessary communiques given that the conversation purportedly took place on Instagram, where both celebrities’ handles are their names. Fake Sabrina chided a “horny” Shaq that he was “way too famous to be sending messages like that,” to which fake Shaq responded, “You being rude for no reason. You can’t handle big diesel anyways…” “Big Diesel,” for the uninitiated, was one of the many nicknames O’Neal earned during his 19-year NBA career. It’s also the title of his 1993 debut album (which featured Phife Dawg) and his DJ alter-ego. 

After reading the DM exchange while surrounded by brightly-colored bags of Shaq-A-Licious gummies, Shaq dispelled the rumor that he had written the DMs. “I definitely do not believe that is you,” guest co-host Bailey Jackson noted, to which a stone-faced O’Neal responded: “Thank you. First of all, ladies, the Diesel got way more game than that,” in the hopes of reassuring any perturbed listeners and clearing the air. Unfortunately for him, though, searches for “Shaq and Sabrina Carpenter” spiked yesterday, according to Google Trends. The logistics of how one would trap a fart in a perfume bottle, much less vaporize said fart into a fragrance, remain beyond the realm of this magazine’s imagination.