It didn’t include the nightmarish severed head of old McDonald’s mascot Mac Tonight, but an auction was held this weekend to sell off some of the personal belongings of Playboy founder Hugh Hefner, who died in September of last year. It didn’t include any nightmarish severed heads, as far as we can tell, but the big item from the event was Hefner’s Underwood Standard Portable typewriter, which he had apparently used in college and while publishing the very first issue of Playboy. That comes from The Hollywood Reporter, which doesn’t say who bought the typewriter, but we do know that it went for $162,500. That sounds like a lot of money, but the idea of Hugh Hefner’s typewriter does sound like it would carry some kind of Twilight Zone-style magic. Like, if a mysterious man welcomed us into a dark room, gestured toward Hugh Hefner’s typewriter, and explained that writing on it could make all of our dreams come true but at some horrible price, we’d absolutely believe it.
Other big items include Hefner’s personal set of bound Playboys from 1953 to 2013, which someone bought for $76,800. We’re assuming whoever bought them also picked up a pack of cigarettes and a newspaper, so they could play off the 700 or so issues of Playboy as an afterthought or a gag. “Oh, I’m just here for the paper, but you know what? Here’s almost $80,000 for that crate of Playboys. Please don’t let anyone see me load them into my van.”
The only other item that we’d really like to make jokes about is a gold ring with a black onyx plaque in the center, with the plaque also being a secret panel that opens to reveal a hidden Viagra compartment. Hefner having that is one thing, and we’re certainly not here to laugh at the ridiculous affectations of a dead man, but we’re comfortable saying that however bought that—and paid $22,400 for it—should not have. It’s a funny curiosity at best, like you’d pull it out when your rich friends are over so you can show off the hilarious Viagra compartment for a laugh before you all chug champagne glasses of caviar, but you should never wear it. If Hefner’s typewriter is probably cursed, then his Viagra ring is definitely cursed. After a day, your rich friends will find your dusty skeleton wearing nothing but a silk robe… and a cursed Viagra ring!
The Hollywood Reporter also says that Jim Belushi paid $3,125 for a leather-bound Saturday Night Live script from when Hefner hosted and Belushi’s brother Jim was in the cast, which is sweet. Also, Pauly Shore was there, but we don’t know if he bought anything—don’t put the ring on Pauly, we still need you. The proceeds from the auction went to the Hugh M. Hefner Foundation, which “supports organizations that advocate for and defend civil rights and civil liberties,” but we’re not going to take back what we said about someone spending nearly $23,000 on that ring.