Remember The Secret? That Power Of Positive Thinking retread that was smeared with an extra layer of manure, rolled in Oprah smiles, and compressed into millions of DVDs?
Boy, I sure do. After all, The Secret changed my life. Before The Secret, I lived in a ramshackle apartment in a bad part of town, and part of my kitchen floor was worn down from my favorite pastime: Pacing back and forth constantly in a futile attempt to keep the rats away. Now, well, I still live there. But thanks to The Secret, my pacin' rut is now paved with gold, I have the most gorgeous, top-of the line Wish Board hanging over my Ralph Lauren sleigh bed, and I take a bath every night in a hollowed-out baby elephant I willed into existence and subsequently killed with my bare hands thanks to The Secret. Also, I'm blonde now—which is strange cause I never self-actualized myself as a blonde. I just woke up one day and, boom, blonde. I guess The Secret really wanted me blonde, and, you know, after the whole manifesting a baby elephant out of thin air and killing it with my bare hands to make a really cool bathtub thing, I didn't feel like I should complain—especially since I'm pretty sure fighting The Secret can give you cancer (After all, if The Secret can "cure" tumors, it can probably cause them, right?). The blonde does make me feel sunnier, so thanks, The Secret!
Yes, The Secret is a powerful, literally incredible tool. Just look at Secret author, Rhonda Byrne in this photo: She willed so many tacky necklaces into existence, she had to wear one on her head!
For too long, the power of The Secret was available only to adults, but not anymore. Soon, teens will have their very own DVD stuffed to the brim with double-talk about magnets and vibrations. From CBS News:
Rhonda Byrne's self-help multimedia phenomenon, which has sold millions of copies, will come out this fall in an edition for young people. "The Secret to Teen Power" will be written by Paul Harrington, who produced the DVD version of the original "Secret."
According to Simon Pulse, an imprint of Simon & Schuster, the new book will show "how teens can transform their own lives and live their dreams, by understanding and using the power they have in their hands."
While I'm sure it'll be great for the teens to live their teen-dreams, if The Secret really is as powerful as it purports to be, those teen-dreams are gonna be everyone else's living nightmares. Every teenage girl will have a lazy-eyed vampire and a CGI Husky fighting over them, while every teen boy will have a cacophonous army of idiotic transformers, and several Megan Fox torsoes beneath their beds. And after they tire of those things? Wild packs of hungry, abandoned Zac Efron clones will roam the streets, no one will be able to sleep over the clanging of the rusty vagabond transformers, special landfills will have to be created for all those discarded torsoes, and we'll all wish really, really hard for everything to disappear (and for Rhonda Byrne to accidentally strangle herself with her head-necklace).