Over on ABC, however, Jimmy Kimmel had the fewest words to mince. “The theme of tonight’s speech was ‘all foreigners are murderers,'” said Kimmel at the top of his monologue. “When you ramble mostly incoherently for two hours, is that technically still a speech or does it at some point become a conniption thing? It is amazing. We put him on all the channels to say this stuff.”
Kimmel also said that he was waiting for Trump to finish his speech before they began filming last night’s show, but eventually just gave up on waiting. “Trump’s dementia really makes me miss Joe Biden’s dementia. It was a much friendlier dementia,” Kimmel said after some clips of the speech. “Here’s the real State of the Union, okay? We have a nutjob wannabe king who’s doing everything he can to censor opinions he doesn’t want to hear. He has his goons arresting, incarcerating and killing American citizens. He’s cut funding for cancer research and children’s hospitals while he rakes in literally billions of dollars for himself and his family. He’s coming after our right to vote. He’s protecting pedophiles and won’t explain it. He’s lining the pockets of billionaires, all while neglecting the sick, the poor, the hungry—in the name of Jesus, by the way, who you could read all about in a Donald Trump edition of the ‘God Bless the USA Bible’ that is made in China and available for $99.99. That is the State of the Union.”
The host then brought out California Governor and guy who is definitely going to run for president in 2028 “Gavin Newsom” (played here by Josh Meyers) by for a fairly awkward rebuttal of his own. Seated in an upscale restaurant, Meyers-as-Newsom talked about having 34 threeways (“The secret is that no one sits in the cuck chair for too long”) before talking about how “real Americans” don’t want to be lied to about the economy in a psuedo-surfer dude/Gen Z affect. (“Affordability slaps,” he said at one point.) He brought up the 34 threeways multiple more times before making fun of ICE agents for being fat and pretending to demur about whether he was going to run for president.
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