Yesterday Amanda Ruller, whom Twitter describes as an “athlete and influencer,” posted a photo of herself chugging two beers next to a photo of the greatest to ever do it, retired wrestler “Stone Cold” Steve Austin. Alongside the photos was a question she should already have known the answer to: “Who did it better?”
It wasn’t long before Ruller heard the sound of glass shattering, heralding the Texas Rattlesnake’s slow walk into the ring of public discussion. Fortunately for Ruller, Stone Cold was in a positive mood.
“Almost textbook form. Almost,” he replied. “Both arms need to be extended or straightened about 6 degrees. Although I do not have a degree in kinesiology or biomechanics, I am considered a worldwide expert in all things beer related. In particular, drinking. Keep up the good work.”
Now, here’s the point where some of you might point out that Stone Cold’s beer chugging technique involves, well, some waste. Fair point.
But what you’re not remembering is this: Stone Cold Steve Austin was the greatest pro-wrestler of his era and maybe of all time. He had the best, most iconic finishing move at a time when finishers were still treated as finishers you didn’t come back from. He had a designated guy to throw beers at him. He kicked Booker T’s ass in a damn grocery store while he enjoyed a cold one. Our dumb president thought he killed Vince McMahon. He cut what surely is the greatest ever promo to be cut about making a run to the liquor store.
So, when Stone Cold Steve Austin says he’s the best at chugging beers, that’s the bottom line. Why? ‘Cause Stone Cold said so, you son of a bitch.