Having previously remolded our definitions of “celebrity,” “love,” and “personality,” MySpace-spawned celebrity turned A Shot At Love receptacle turned television personality Tila Tequila is back to upset even more of your paradigms, this time completely rewriting your definitions of “fans,” “highly anticipated,” and “EP.” To wit:
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
MISS TILA (FORMERLY TILA TEQUILA) WELCOMES FANS TO THE DARKSIDE WITH HIGHLY ANTICIPATED EP
New York, NY (May 11th, 2010) – Fresh off the heels from her hot single release, “I LOVE MY DJ”, Miss Tila is ready to drop her long awaited EP entitled WELCOME TO THE DARKSIDE. Hitting shelves and digital outlets on Tuesday, MAY 11th, Welcome To The Darkside is being distributed through her own record label, TILA TEQUILA RECORDS, with distribution via INgrooves. The new EP will reveal a different side to the woman formerly known as Tila Tequila. With a new style and a sultry tone, Miss Tila resembles the likes of Billie Holiday and Marilyn Monroe on this 3-track EP.
Tequila’s re-branding as the nominally more sophisticated “Miss Tila” signifies that she is growing up—moving beyond the body shots, pig vagina-eating competitions, and screeching Twitter rants at her dead ex-lover’s family that were the squalid, Dickensian prologue to her eventual blossoming as a self-made “mogul.”
Keeping very busy since the release of “I Love My DJ”, Tila recently launched her celebrity blog site, www.MissTilaOMG.com, which drew close to 20,000 hits in the first five minutes of going live. The past 2 months has seen Tila follow up on her word of becoming a mogul; this pint sized knockout has no plans of slowing down and Welcome To The Darkside is a sure sign of that.
Fair warning. Indeed, the rapidly growing Tila enterprise thus far includes, um, this, and her own gossip website, the discerning Internet user’s source for rumors about James Van Der Beek’s girlfriend being pregnant, who Justin Bieber may or may not be dating, and how much Tila would like to have sex with Usher, featuring all the multiple exclamation points, RANDOM CAPITALIZATION, and frequent exhortations of “LOL” that you can only get from whichever self-loathing copywriter has been saddled with the task of keeping the “Tila Army” entertained. But enough about the future of journalism! What does this EP-that-is-only-three-songs sound like?
The 3 track EP features a cover of Depeche Mode classic “Blue Dress” as well as a catchy and seductive track entitled “Get Me Off” and the closing track “Walking On Thin Ice,” which is a slow moving ambient track.
Ah, but “catchy and seductive,” “slow moving ambient,” “resembles the likes of Billie Holiday and Marilyn Monroe, and here we probably would have also said Audrey Hepburn or Bettie Page or something but they never sang anything”—these are clearly just calculated buzzwords generated by a publicist. Is there someone else we could reach out to, someone who seems intent on destroying every ounce of artistic credibility he once clung fleetingly to by constantly fraternizing with the most visibly vapid strata of female celebrity?
“She [Tila] has the voice of a chanteuse of days gone by,” says dear friend and musician, Billy Corgan.
One imagines these two dear friends curled up on a couch together watching Lady Sings The Blues, ducking beneath their “secrets blanket” so Tila can whisper into Billy’s ear her mad, silly dream to one day grow up to be a classy singer just like the woman in that movie—but oh, they just wouldn’t understand. And Corgan, dear friend that he is, makes a soft clucking sound: “We are all that we think we can be Tila, my dear friend” he says, smoothing her machine-gun tattoo. And as her eyes begin to water with gratitude, she begins to understand: When they emerge from their hot, flannel cocoon, Tila Tequila will be Miss Tila, and Welcome To The Darkside will finally answer the question, “What is the sound of a butterfly spreading its wings?” (Answer: Sultry.)