It's 2010: the glorious, sun-streaked dawn of a new decade, a fresh, clean page on which to scribble life goals that you'll forget about until you're 67 and Morgan Freeman and dying of some disease and your best pal Jack Nicholson says "Hey, let's do some of the things in those stupid, dusty, decade life-goal lists you have over there. Let's go skydiving." And you'll say, "Skydiving's not even on any of my lists, but fine. Whatever you want. It's always about you, isn't it, Jack?" Basically, it's time to make New Year's resolutions. (For example, my New Year's resolution is to reference either The Bucket List or The Last Holiday at least once a week in 2010.)
But did you know that only 17.8% of people will stick to their New Year's resolutions? And that only 29% of Americans will make New Year's resolutions in 2010? And at least 100% of morning shows will reference dubious percentages about New Year's resolutions as a way of introducing some diet or fitness segment? It's true!
And if you've spent any time at all near a television recently, you know that virtually all the ads right now are for products, shows, and services that will help you keep that resolution about losing weight that you never even made in the first place. In fact, there are so many ads for weight-loss things that you don't even have to turn on your television to feel their effects. The ads leech out of the television in vapor form, so that merely standing near a TV can cause a Flirty-Girl-Fitness-related burning of the lungs, and Marie-Osmond-garish-print-blouse-related watering of the eyes (which is why, in 2010, it's so important to wear a gas mask at all times).
Still, how are you going to keep that New Year's resolution you never made about losing weight? Below are a few options:
1. By eating Taco Bell tacos. So many Taco Bell tacos.
To sum up: the "Drive Thru Diet" is not a "weight-loss system," tacos are not "a low-calorie food," and "these results are not typical" but for Christine "they're fantastic." So basically Taco Bell wants you to know that they have a drive-thru full of non-low-calorie tacos that will only help you lose weight if you're Christine. Which, you know, great for Christine. Sure, we'd all like to go from slouching in the back of a boat to sitting up straight in the tall grasses, but that is a transformation reserved for Christine and only Christine. Nice of Taco Bell to give her this deflated "Congrats!" mylar balloon of a double-speaking, non-diet commercial.