Proving that Taylor Swift’s signature red lipstick is actually war paint symbolizing the blood of her enemies, The Hollywood Reporter brings word that, in a quick and no doubt brutal display of strength, Swift dominates the list of nominees for this year’s Billboard Music Awards, as she did the iHeart Radio Awards before that, and the Grammys before that, and she probably would the New York Film Critics Circle Awards, if she wanted to.
With the entire music industry—her former adversary Kanye West among them—now lain trembling and prostrate before the mighty power of Taylor Swift, it won’t be long before statues of Taylor, each of her 14 arms brandishing either a deadly weapon or a really cute kitten, begin popping up all over her holy city of Manhattan. “Haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,” her jorts-clad priestesses will cry, their golden hoop earrings rattling as their eyes roll back in a sacred frenzy. “Baby I’m just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake,” the congregation will reply, their bodies swaying in unison to an unheard Sick Beat™. Meanwhile, Taylor Swift will be lounging languidly upon a velvet chaise lounge, watching Game Of Thrones and taking notes. “Needs more red lipstick,” she will write.
The nominees for the top five Billboard Music Awards categories, including Top Male Artist, which Swift has mercifully allowed to continue to exist even though she can’t be nominated, are below.