Photo: Oli Scarff/ Getty Images

“I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to get my hands on some fucking gourds and arrange them in a horn-shaped basket on my dining room table. That shit is going to look so seasonal.”

So begins the fall season’s most iconic essay (aside from this one, perhaps). Colin Nissan’s “It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers” was first published by McSweeney’s Internet Tendency in 2009, and since then has served as the definitive document for anyone who can’t contain themselves in the face of falling leaves, piping hot cups of apple cider, and thick, earth-toned sweaters.

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In a new interview with The Atlantic, Nissan reveals himself to not be nearly as potty-mouthed as his essay might indicate. It also reveals that, despite his love for the season, he’s not nearly as smitten by many of autumn’s other staples.

This shattering revelation arises during a “lightning round” of fall associations between Nissan and interviewer Julie Beck.

Beck: Apple picking.

Nissan: Too humid. I remember as a kid it was amazing and crisp, and now I feel like the last four seasons I’ve just been sweating through my shirt while apple picking. Which kind of wrecks it. But other than that, I love it, it was one of my favorite things ever.

Beck: We got to climate change really quickly.

Nissan: I know.

Beck: Okay, corn mazes.

Nissan: I’ve only done one and it was, I would say, terrifying.

Beck: Hay rides.

Nissan: Bumpy. All of a sudden, I feel like everything I’m saying is negative. How did I end up being negative about every fall thing you’re mentioning? I would say bumpy and itchy. But fun.

Beck: Sweaters.

Nissan: Not a sweater guy, honestly. I end up looking like Paddington Bear whenever I wear sweaters.

Beck: What about scarves?

Nissan: No, I don’t know how to tie a scarf. I can’t do that either.

Beck: I’m trying to find a positive one.

Nissan: I know. I guess I hate fall. Maybe we got to a deeper meaning here for the piece.

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Lest you feel as if the patron saint of fall is a poser, after all, know this: Dude’s got 12 gourds in his house. “I’m just very gourd-focused,” he clarifies. “All decorative.”

Who needs pumpkin spice when you’ve got 12 motherfucking decorative gourds?