It is happening again. As the President of the United States begins a fresh war based on supposed weapons of mass destruction in a Middle Eastern country we have no business invading, The Onion, formerly The A.V. Club‘s sibling publication, now just a shining beacon of journalistic integrity, has called upon Congress to do nothing in a full-page ad in The New York Times. The advertisement includes an excerpt from an op-ed by the Onion’s editorial board, which includes such luminaries as Ted Kaczynski and Benedict Arnold, entitled “Congress, Now More Than Ever The Nation Needs Your Cowardice.” “We teeter on the brink of collapse into an authoritarian state,” the editorial reads. “That is why, today, The Onion calls upon our lawmakers to sit back and do absolutely nothing.”
The editorial, along with the latest print edition of The Onion and a letter from the Global Tetrahedron CEO Bryce P. Tetraeder, were also mailed to each member of Congress so that those “emotional weaklings who are afraid to meet their own glance in the mirror” can feel supported in their hour of willful fecklessness.
Here’s an excerpt:
Now is not the time for bravery or valor! This is the time for protecting your own hide and lining your pocket. Now is not the time for listening to your idiotic constituents drone on about what’s happening to their precious democracy. This is the time for getting down on all fours and groveling. Now is not the time to say, ‘Enough is enough,’ and have the tough conversations about resisting the ongoing assaults on American liberty. This is the time to let the wave of apathy and indifference roll over you as you think about getting a really nice renovation to your house in Kalorama.
In a Tetraeder’s letter, the fake CEO called on Congress to cease pretending “to read reports from fact-obsessed experts or listen to the drivel spewed by half-wit constituents” and take the call to cowardice to heart. “Our country is slipping smoothly into the warm bath of authoritarianism and oligarchy,” he writes. “I wish I could take credit for this, and I will. But much of the praise must go to Congress and its cowardice.”
Of course, no one could’ve predicted that the satirical paper’s clairvoyance would, once again, meet the moment. With the U.S. barrelling its way into another unnecessary, unpopular, and unconstitutional international conflict, The Onion has given Congress the leeway to do the world’s oligarchs a solid and just vibe with it. Speaking to The Handbasket, which first reported on the ad, real Onion CEO Ben Collins continued to praise Congress’ complete disregard for the nation it supposedly serves. “The Onion is known for its oracular ability to predict the next great American horror, but the timing on this might be the most prescient bit of The Onion’s reporting yet,” CEO Ben Collins said. “As the president drags this country headlong into yet another war, which will certainly bring about no adverse consequences, I am proud to reiterate The Onion’s call for Congress to sit back and just let this all happen to us.”
Read the full editorial and Tetraeder’s letter over at The Onion.
