Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

This Is Your Kid On Abstinence

It's probably very difficult for parents to determine the right time to invite their kids to their first purity ball, or to buy them their first chastity promise ring. After all, figuring out when to initially threaten "Don't have sex till you're married," can be pretty tricky.

Luckily though, the government has put together a PSA to show parents the best times to talk to their kids about never having sex until it's been sanctioned by the proper authorities (i.e., God, the state marriage license bureau, the provisions of the purity ball pledge):

According to the PSA, the best times to talk to your kids about abstinence until marriage are:

—When they're leaning casually on the handlebars of a bike

—When they're standing (kinda provocatively, actually) in an abandoned parking garage of some kind for some reason

—At the stables

—While they're mowing the stupid lawn because you made them

—By the ol' bridge

—When they're seriously just about to go rollerblading–or do you want them to wait until they're married to do that too? Jesus.

—While they're lazing out on the dock, with one foot dangling in a rowboat

—When they're squatting in the ocean somewhere (This is the best time, just you, the kid, and the sharks.)

The PSA doesn't mention how to talk to your kids about waiting until marriage, though they have set up a website for that. Apparently, the trick to getting your kid to slip on that chastity ring is to adopt the tone of a 4th grade book report and throw statistics at them. Kids love statistics!

There's even a section about what to say about waiting till marriage if your child is gay. Surprisingly, it's not "You're going to be waiting to have sex forever, then."


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