Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

This Valentine's Day, Send Her The Absolute Worst

Every episode of Millionaire Matchmaker begins with an exterior shot of the cold, beige, modern building that houses Patti Stanger’s brothel headquarters. “This is where the souls are freeze-dried, pulverized by the sonic force of Patti Stanger’s shrill voice, then scattered to the four winds,” the camera is saying. “Won’t you come inside?”

Once inside, Patti wobbles her muppet head and says something about how her clients are ruled by their "peckers" and how every woman should wear a tight cocktail dress at all times—essentially forcing the audience to imagine a world populated by walking genitals and empty Hervé Leger dresses. This, of course, is Patti Stanger’s terrible world: Men are awful. Women are awful. Patti Stanger (also awful) makes it possible for the awful people to go on an awful date in a helicopter. This, Patti Stanger contends, is love.

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Obviously, she’s the vaguely humanoid gargoyle you’d turn to for your Valentine’s Day gift needs! Which is why 1-800-Flowers has teamed up with Stanger to provide this:

Illustration for article titled This Valentine's Day, Send Her The Absolute Worst

Clearly, this isn't the best bouquet approximation of Patti Stanger. A more accurate Patti Stanger Bouquet™ would be a collection of "roses" fashioned from dollar bills and "flowers" made out of pages torn from Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus all sitting in a champagne bottle filled with ammonia.

Still, is there anything more romantic than sending a bouquet named after a woman who makes her living setting up casting calls to find possible trophy wives for dull, rich voids? Definitely not.

And the Patti Stanger Bouquet™ isn't just a bouquet. It's magic:

Patti personally selected this elegant bouquet to be the cornerstone of our Matchmaker collection. It speaks to her secret tip for women to attract fresh, fabulous flowers in their lives: if they just imagine a bouquet will be sent to them out of the blue, their wish will come true sooner than they think.

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Duh, ladies. If you don't have flowers—and you have to have flowers, or else you risk morphing into a eunuch—it's because you're not wishing hard enough for them. What are you doing right now? Reading? You could have made three new "fresh fabulous flowers" vision boards in the time it took you to read this paragraph. Where are your priorities? Do you want to look down one day and find that you're plastic from the waist down and your underwear has fused to your body like some grotesque sexless, off-brand Barbie? Cause that's what happens when you don't do your flower wishes. 

Then there's this:

The Matchmaker Collection's 5 Stages Of Love.  Say everything from ‘glad we’re friends’ to ‘glad we’re engaged’ and score big points for thoughtfulness.

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Because what is love but a cold calculation, right, Patti? So what are the 5 Stages of Love? What other bloodless assertions about your relationship can you make with the help of Patti Stanger and 1-800-Flowers?

1. "I liked the way you didn't ask me for money during our helicopter date."

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2. "Glad you like bullshit like this purple bear, cause it costs next to nothing."

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3. "It's fine with me that we are dating."

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4. "Glad I picked you over the other brunette at the cattle call."

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5. "I am somewhat pleased to be your husband at this point in time."

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