Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

This Week In Terrifying Hybrids

This Week In Terryifying Hybrids

1. Dead popcorn manufacturer + many Frankensteined body parts + a complete unwillingness to come up with a new, non-zombie-related commercial concept = The creepiest dead spokesman you'll ever see


Wow. Those unnatural herky-jerky movements, that ridiculous dead marionette face, those empty, empty eyes, and that look of complete horror on the face of the guy at the coffee machine when he realizes that a re-animated corpse is talking about MP3 players no more than 5 feet away–I've never craved some light, buttery popcorn more. I can practically taste its microwaved goodness right now: salty, crunchy yet airy, expertly fluffed by lifeless, decaying hands. Yum!

The only way that this commercial could have worked is if the marketing people hadn't tried to pass off a reanimated dead spokesman as a living being, and instead just decided to fully embrace the zombie concept. A Night Of The Living Dead parody starring Orville Redenbacher might have been fun.

2. Celebrities + High-Definition TV + The annoying intersection of art and promotion = Robert Wilson's Voom Portraits

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A warning: don't click play above unless you want to itch all over in annoyance.

But still, Brad Pitt in the rain with a watergun. Doesn't it make you see him in a completely different way? It's as if he's been living under camoflauge and has just crawled out into the light. Don't you feel like you're seeing him, truly him, for the first time? Well, that's the power of art. And also Voom HD Networks super-high-definition cable–it's so high-def it makes a passable student art project into a totally deep portrait project that can possibly change the world and how you view it (starring Brad Pitt).

3. A self-proclaimed "bad boy" + baking + Food Network's attempts at edginess = Ace Of Cakes

Is there anything more unbelievably badass than playing hockey with mini-cupcakes? Well, not on the Food Network.

But, actually, Ace Of Cakes is on "Food Network Nighttime," the network's broad swipe at "edginess," named "Nighttime" because, you know, anything can happen at night! "The Style Network: After Hours" and "The Golf Channel: When It's Dark Out", with their respective no-holds-barred personalities and reality shows can't be too far behind.