In the long pop culture tradition of Santa Claus doing inappropriate things—pissing himself between hearing children’s wishlists; murdering innocent people in any number of holiday-themed slashers—a sweater showing the jolly old fella racking up a few lines of cocaine hardly seems like a very big deal. Yet, all the same, Walmart Canada, the cowards, have decided to pull a recently discovered clothing item that depicts Saint Nick getting geared up for a long night of delivering presents and chatting the reindeer’s ears off.
After surfacing in a tweet from @Zorina_Baksh, the unassumingly named “Men’s Let It Snow Ugly Christmas Sweater” began to spread around the internet, really knocking the socks off people with its image of a naughty, traditionally wholesome Santa doing things he’s not, y’know, usually shown doing.
The sweater’s description, which must have provided a belabored copywriter with at least a few short moments of workday fun, runs down how “the best snow comes from South America,” which is so far from the North Pole that Santa “really likes to take savor [sic] the moment when he gets his hands on” it. “He packs it in perfect lines on his coffee table and then takes a big whiff to smell the high quality aroma of the snow,” it continues. “It’s exactly what he needs to get inspired for Christmas Eve.”
On Saturday, Walmart Canada issued a statement to Global News that the sweater was created “by a third-party seller” and “[does] not represent Walmart’s values” (which are otherwise sterling). The sweater was removed along with, as David Lao helpfully points out in the Global article mentioned above, a number of other, similarly cool sweaters showing Santa doing stuff like standing pantless in front of a fire to warm his “chestnuts” and one where “an upside-down snowman” is positioned so as to make “its carrot nose and jingle bells suggestive of genitals.”
For the time being, a sweater where Santa Claus is shown getting his bare ass whipped by Mrs. Claus in a corset is still hosted on the website. While it’s a real shame you Walmart will no longer allow customers to scandalize their friends and family with cocaine Santa, maybe this one absolutely shocking piece of deviant Christmas wear will survive the holiday purge long enough to remain on sale.
Send Great Job, Internet tips to firstname.lastname@example.org