We don’t know if you were aware, but people are pretty keen on that little WandaVision show that just wrapped up on Disney+. They’re also super into its music, and with very good reason—but that’s neither here nor there right now, because we’ve just been made privy to a very unsettling alternate timeline for Earth-199999: Once upon an MCU, audiences were almost subjected to The Vision’s newly fashioned
android synthezoid schlong.
Apologies if that read too crass; please allow Paul Bettany to explain it more classily in that wonderful British accent of his.
“Marvel [puts] so much thought into everything, and I know that when they are...adapting a character from the comics to film, they put an immense amount of thought into what that character should look like,” Conan O’Brien recounted last week during a virtual interview with Bettany ahead of WandaVision’s finale.
“There was a lot of work done on that, and Joss Whedon was manning the ship at that point,” Bettany first explained of his character’s debut in The Avengers: Age of Ultron. Surely he meant there were just a bunch of drawings of The Vision with, like, different colored capes, or something...
“Vision’s gonna be born. We’re gonna see him be born and, I mean, ostensibly naked. He has to have a penis,” Bettany said with a sizable pause before adding, “...right?” as if for reassurance. While pretty much everyone on set agreed that, even if this biological accuracy were somehow required in a world of Norse gods, patriotic super-soldiers, and talking raccoons, it certainly didn’t need to be explicitly shown to theaters full of children. There were, however, dissenters.
“I need—I need him to—I need to see his penis,” Bettany remembers Whedon demanding, resulting in essentially a wall of anatomically correct Vision centerfold pinup renderings at Marvel Studios HQ. Of course, when presented with his requirements, Whedon came to his senses. “Never have I been more sure that I don’t need to see Vision with a penis,” he apparently concluded, in what was probably his last considerate decision on a movie set.
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