Westminster Dog Show awards top prize to bio-engineered beast instead of a nice golden retriever
The Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show sucks. We’ve known this for more than a century now, but are reminded of just how deep its failings go when seeing the results of this year’s awards. Amidst a field filled with excellent creatures, including hilarious whippets and boxers, a tiny war was fought between two diametrically opposed contestants. On one paw was Daniel, a gorgeously groomed and maniacally cute golden retriever that represented honest, hard-working, sometimes literally blue-collared dogs across the world; on the other was Siba, a fucked-up looking standard poodle that appeared to have been created through a secret deep state project meant to combine a feather duster and box of matchsticks with a pinch of dog genetics.
We regret to inform you that the rich man’s choice, Siba, ended up winning.
Look at Siba and see the injustice for yourself. This is no dog. This is a travesty, though one perpetuated, we might add, through no fault of her own. Siba resembles a canine Marie Antoinette, her hair puffed up into a giant fur globe and her ears groomed into two long stalks that direct the eyes down toward dainty, stick-like legs anchored by ludicrous hair-spheres. Her nails have never seen a day of hard work in their life.
Even her proper name is absurd. “Siba” is just a smokescreen meant to make her more relatable. The Six Million Dollar Poodle is better known as “GCHP CH Stone Run Afternoon Tea,” the kind of name only aristocratic freaks endlessly splicing vials of dog semen in the basements of their rural estates could possibly have dreamed up.