What Can Blessed Oil Do For You?

By Amelie Gillette | September 25, 2009 | 6:13pm

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It's tough launching a new product. Unless that product is literally miracle oil. You would think that blessed oil that cures the sick would need no advertising at all. But just to be safe, a church in the UK made an ad for their magical, healing oil anyways featuring a testimonial about how it saved a boy in a coma.

"My son was born with a heart problem. After a party he started bleeding from the mouth. I rushed him to hospital and the specialist said he had 16 loose arteries. He went into a coma, his heart stopped and both his lungs collapsed. Doctors and specialists expected him to die. At the UCKG I was given some blessed oil to anoint my son with. Now that his heart and lungs are better I thank the UCKG for all the spiritual support I received."

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And that's why you don't go to parties, kids. The second you do, you'll start bleeding and then fall into a coma, and you'll be utterly defenseless when your mom tries to rub holy oil all over your face. Then, when you wake up, you'll have to waste an entire Saturday posing for your mom for some dumb ad for her church. So not worth it.

According to AdWeek, the ad is now banned in the UK because it could "discourage seriously ill people from getting medical treatment"—and you have to admit, it's a pretty effective ad, if you have no idea what science and modern medicine are. Or if you really like oil (Who doesn't?!).

But the main problem with the Blessed Oil ad is that they went too big with the my-kid-woke-up-from-a-coma-Thanks, Blessed-Oil! testimonial. They should think smaller with the testimonials—tout some of the Blessed Oil's more everyday miracles. For example, here are some actual* Blessed Oil testimonials!

"After years of coloring my hair, it was dry, damaged, and totally unmanageable. Then I tried Blessed Oil. Now my hair is shiny, silky, smooth—and it's so strong I can tie it all into a big shiny knot because that's something that people with strong hair do. Thanks, Blessed Oil!"

"For years, I thought occasional irregularity was just a part of life. Then a friend told me about the Blessed Oil 2-week challenge. I figured: Hey, why not? Now my occasional irregularity is a thing of the past that I just talk about all the time like I'm suffering from intestinal PTSD or something. Try Blessed Oil today! You won't regret it!"

"The problem with regular oil is that it leaves pieces behind. Yuck. Who wants pieces? With Blessed Oil, you get a clean behind, every time—no pieces. I'm a cartoon bear that shits in the woods."

"Why settle for skimpy when you can grow your own long luxurious lashes? Grow? How is that possible? With Blessed Oil, the first church-approved treatment for eyelash growth. Simply rub Blessed Oil on your lashline, ignore the harsh burning sensation (it only lasts for three days or so, anyway), and in two weeks, you'll have long, long, longer lashes (and instead of tears, you'll cry sharp grey pebbles for the rest of your life)! Bye bye, mascara. Hello, Blessed Oil!"

"Once you try Blessed Oil for your bathroom and kitchen floors, you'll forget about your old mop. But that doesn't mean your old mop will forget about you—in fact, it'll stalk you: driving past your house late at night, sending you unwanted gifts, peering in through your living room window. You'll probably have to call the police. But Blessed Oil is worth it. Try Blessed Oil today, and get a restraining order against an inanimate object!"

*not actual