What's inside this 25-year-old can of Spider-Man Chef Boyardee is scarier than any supervillain

People are desperate for entertainment right now. They’re tired of endlessly scrolling through streaming platforms. They’ve given up on the one jigsaw puzzle they own. They’re sick of pretending they like baking. People want excitement. People want a thrilling narrative. People want to see a man open a very old can of Spider-Man pasta and show them what’s inside.

Thankfully, Matt Carracappas, the man behind the vintage pop culture merch repository Dinosaur Dracula, is here to give the people what they want.

“I put the can opener to work, unsettled by the rust, but emboldened by the lack of noxious fumes,” Carracappas writes, meticulously detailing his ill-advised adventure into the toxic depths of mid-90s cross-promotional delicacies. As an avid collector of nostalgic oddities, he’s no stranger to the weirdness of pop culture mashups. But getting Chris Sarandon to read a Ninja Turtles coloring book, as he did recently, is presumably far less of a risk to one’s health than opening this can of ooze. Still, he soldiers on.