Based on the cover of his new album Audio Fucking DayDream (the "fucking" is mine) and nothing else, here is a short list of who American Idol also-ran Blake Lewis thinks he is:

—A Justin Timberlake understudy.

—Jennifer Lopez, but afraid of self-confrontation.

—An intergalatic pop star whose beats form Justin-Timberlake-shaped constellations in the night sky.

—Neo-disco personified

—A one-man, musical, tiger-free Seigfried and Roy

—JC Chasez but, like, a eunuch

—A man trapped between himself and his Justin Timberlake impresson in the part of outer space that is purple.

—A living, breathing, singing Lisa Frank binder.

Seriously, America, what is this? Isn't one Justin Timberlake enough?

No one told me that all it takes to get millions of people to vote for you and buy your album is some spirit gum, a fake beard, and a haircut that resembles a rooster's butt with blond highlights. I had no idea there was a market for this kind of warmed over boy band refugee stuff outside of South Florida. If this is what we're doing now, I'm going to go to Orlando, pick up the first 5 teens I see outside of JC Pennys, go get them a record contract, and become the next Lou Perlman (but without all the creepy sexual predatorness).

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