Each year, The A.V. Club receives hundreds of albums, thousands of press releases, and several thousand more show listings for hundreds of venues around the country. At any given moment, our editors are besieged by information on bands, most of whom we've never heard of. Sifting through all that info, we inevitably encounter questionable band names. Actually, you could argue any moniker is questionable, but we keep an ongoing list of the worst and funniest ones we see. Then, come December, we whittle them down for our annual Worst Band Names feature. This list isn't a compendium of the worst names of all time–or a statement on the quality of their music–just the ones we encountered this year. New for this year: Asterisks next to our favorites. Who's ready to rock?
METAL (OR METAL-SOUNDING) Divine Heresy
Song title: "Bleed The Fifth." Puns so aren't evil, dudes. Engaged In Mutilating My Son My Executioner Lambs Of Abortion Slaughter The Weak
"When you hear the name Slaughter The Weak you think metal font band or white belt grind, we are neither, we are the new band featuring ex members of Bloody December, The Love The Prey, and Salvination." Gotcha. Benighted In Sodom
Winner, Best MySpace Headline: "Misery will be my opiate." Terminally Your Aborted Ghost
Sadly, they aborted themselves in July. Circle Of Dead Children
Celebrating "10 Years of Grinding FTW Blackened Sewage & Hate." Don't get so sentimental on us, guys. Waking The Cadaver
Next year's prom slow dance staple: "I Know The Insides Of Women"-or, maybe, "Type A Secretor" Insidious Decrepancy
The hits: "The Inerrancy Of Profanation," "Decadent Orgy" (is there any other kind?), "Rancid Cesspool" Distorted Impalement
This Austrian band promises "AUSTRIAN BRUTAL MOSHING SLAM DEATH," via songs like "Just A Fucking Bitch," "Nailing Wet Cunts," "Analfucked With Highheels," and "On Killing Spree." Atrocious Abnormality
Wondering what happened to those dudes from Lust Of Decay and Putrilage? Here they are! Check out "Raped Apart." Goreality
[pagebreak] THE FUNKS NEVER LEARN Future Funk Squad
Not a funk band, but still damned. Funkmaster Cracker
May have changed his name to FUNKMA$TER, which is also bad. A Nickel Bag Of Funk
Even if this is a Digable Planets reference, FAIL. Though their music has been featured in "a personally requested feature for movie star Sandra Bulloch." What does that mean? Funk Shui
Funk In The Trunk
Unsurprisingly, at least two bands are vying for this moniker: one in Chicago and one in the home of the funk, Billings, Mont. Anthony Smith's Trunk Fulla Funk
From Mr. Smith's memoir, The Lizard Stays In The Cage: "I suppose there are worse rackets than mimicking the movements of delicious crustaceans." So true. The Good, The Bad, & The Funky Chicken Noodle Funk
"WE NEED ARTWORK AND A NEW NAME!!!!!" Indeed. God Made Me Funky
"Whut Up Y'all! WELCOME to the newly hella-Nufunkified God Made Me Funky website. Now the Nu-funk is officially in effect!" Their hometown? Toronto. Funk Ark
"yesterday holds the key to tomorrow," advises their MySpage page. That's the kind of wisdom you could only find in a Funk Ark, not that cracker-ass Ark Of The Covenant! Weapons Of Mass DeFunktion Funkternity FunkMnkyz
HEY, WE SMOKE POT! Cannibis Corpse
Album title: Tube Of The Resinated Three Stoned Men
Song titles: "Too Stoned," "Stoned," "Too Lazy To Pee," "Hey Brother Roll A Joint," "Fog Bank." Rosetta Stoned
It's a Tool song, but that doesn't make it okay-and this hip-hop crew don't look like Tool fans. Post Mortem Bong Hit
Self-described "sloppy stoner jogg-rock." What does "jogg" mean? Here's the first Google result. [NSFW]
INVOKING THE ALMIGHTY Who's Your Favorite Son God
Song titles: "Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dad," "Space Jam," "3 Men Vs. A Baby" God's Day Off
"Colorado's perkiest and most well groomed band !!!" God Fires Man
Jesus Causes Cancer
"Jesus Causes Cancer! With that said, come and see a show. Do a beer bong. Fight the band. Buy us vodka. Boo and heckle us! Bring a Jew!"
SCATOLOGY Shit Howdy Diarrhea Till You Die*
"We are four kids who want to change the world. We are against the ignorance that plagues our society, we are against the money that controls it, we are against the religious fucks who call it thier own. We have a sense of humor." Anal Hearse* Crapulence Subterranean Fecal Root
Homepage URL: shitgrind.com. Farticus
Song titles: "Smelling My Sister's Diapers," "My Fishy Cooter," "AIDS In the Pork Bun," "Fart Sucker" Rot Shit*
Lyrics available here.
INDEFENSIBLE You Had Me At Hello
No band could survive with that name, and these guys didn't.
PUKE Religious Vomit
It's a Dead Kennedys reference, but they're running with it on songs like "Vomit Out Your Faith," "War From Religion," and "Pentagrams Of Blood." Sonic Vomit
CURRENT REFERENCES THAT WON'T AGE WELL
Terrorist Fist Jab
Subprime Blues Band
STILL DOING THE WOLF THING When The Wolf (Arrives) Holocaust Wolves Of The Apocalypse
You'll obviously recognize that name as a Bestial Warlust reference. Shitwolf
JUST PLAIN STUPID Murphy's Inlaws We Go To 11
They're barely in their teens, so they get a pass. Eagle Seagull
Had "a damned stupid name for a band" on its MySpace page. 401 (K)boom Mushroom Murder Mob
The Chicago group sent out this e-mail last month: "Mushroom Murder Mob needs pictures of you nipples. We are almost finished with our new CD and are working on the covers and sleeve ,So please send us a close up shot of your nipps ,. If your nipple makes you get a FREE CD!!!!!!" A Band Called Pain
Want more bad names? Check out previous years' lists: 2007, 2006.
