Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Aaron Carter claims he was attacked by vicious New Kids On The Block gang in story that definitely happened

Illustration for article titled Aaron Carter claims he was attacked by vicious New Kids On The Block gang in story that definitely happened

Despite recent efforts to foster a new era of peace, the violent boy-band war that ruined so many lives and overalls in the ‘90s rages on, as seen in the recent attack of Aaron Carter by a group of alleged New Kids On The Block fans in Boston. The younger Carter is a “blessed-in” boy-band gang recruit thanks to his older brother, Backstreet Boy Nick—though of course, that didn’t stop Aaron from committing an initiation hit on Shaq.


He’d mostly avoided any further imaginary rivalries until this weekend, when Carter claims he was “jumped” by four men in a gold Chevy Malibu—men who were allegedly defenders of New Kids On The Block, as well as allegedly men—with the crew seemingly angry that Carter had invaded their turf. “I heard you’re doing a show here tomorrow. This is the town of the New Kids,” one of these old-timey ruffians reportedly exclaimed, presumably before adding, “And as a further word of admonition to you, the preferred style in which we hang is tough.”

Continuing this plausible story of adult men violently defending the territory of ’90s boy band New Kids On The Block, Carter says the ensuing fight left him with a black eye and broken knuckles—injuries he promptly documented on his Instagram page, as one does. However, Carter says he eventually triumphed in this fight that definitely happened, thanks to his “6th degree black belt in Muay Thai”—a thing that does not generally exist, unlike the very real threat of boy-band-related gang violence. Of course, it’s possible Carter attained his Muay Thai belt through a special training program, given the unique dangers of his chosen career, and the fact that he is obviously so very pretty. “People think I'm a pretty little white boy but no way,” Aaron Carter told TMZ, thus continuing the honesty. “I think I won. I'm still standing.”

Indeed, Carter is still standing and, most importantly, still tweeting, reaching out to New Kids On The Block O.G. Jordan Knight to ask tauntingly if the assailant was one of his “homies,” and later scolding, “FYI just cause someone says nkotb turf doesn’t mean it was their fans. Y’all so stupid to believe that.” And yes, it would be stupid to believe four men beat up Aaron Carter because he was on New Kids On The Block turf, and that therefore this means they were New Kids On The Block fans. In fact, many of today’s boy-band gangs operate solely out of grandfathered tradition, no longer even listening to the New Jack swing-inflected pop that once formed the basis of their code—much as today’s Crips no longer live according to the words of Tony Toni Toné.

Anyway, Carter told TMZ he has no plans to file a police report—definitely not because of questions over the story’s veracity, but  because to do so would be “girlie.” Instead, he prefers to handle things as a man would: boasting via Instagram selfies.