Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Actual Movie Trailers I Was Forced To Watch

Actual movie trailers I was forced to watch (largely out of boredom): 1. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Who knew this was going to happen? Is there a slick-looking version of My Little Pony in the works too? These turtles are a lot more ninja-y than I remember. And a lot less ridiculous. I hope there's some shameless promotional tie-ins planned to soften the blow. 2. Employee Of The Month

I'm pretty sure this trailer contains every single joke that is in the actual movie–the car on the store shelves, the Employee of the Month competition, silly string in Andy Dick's face, the veneers for breasts reversal, Jessica Simpson's giant prosthetic ears, and something about the word "anal" at the end–which is fortunate, because now you know for certain that nothing this movie will be funny. In fact, the only part in this trailer that was even remotely funny was when Jessica Simpson walked in and the soundtrack switched to the line in "Gone Daddy Gone" that begins, "Beautiful girl.." Oh, so Jessica Simpson is supposed to be the beautiful girl in this movie? Thanks for the audio clue, guys. 3. The Last Kiss [youtube:IJB_Ccoh-Ro] What's causing Zach Braff to pensively stand in the rain this time? Same thing as always: the inability to move forward and become an adult. Ugh. Wouldn't it be great if just once the answer was "a homicidal maniac," and the Snow Patrol song was abruptly cut off by the sound of Braff screaming as he opens a door and discovers the gruesome, bloody remains of his once-charming crush? Seriously, though, Braff is faced with a very difficult decision in this movie: Should he choose the girl from The Real World, or the very similar-looking girl from The O.C.? And what about his parents? They seem to be doing an awful lot of staring. I can't wait to hear Braff's nasal voiceover mull through these problems in depth. 4. The Fountain

This is a pretty movie about a couple who live forever. (Somehow, they are not vampires.)