American Idol: Results Show: Two Male and Two Female Contestants Eliminated -- Finalists Revealed
That's really the title of this episode, according to IMDB. Snappy!
Do you folks know why Claire Zulkey is my hero? When just watching American Idol, when you're not recapping it, and you can pause to eat, drink Scotch and masturbate like a gentleman, it doesn't seem so bad. But when you have to write up every episode and pay attention to every little detail of these gibbering morons, it becomes a Herculean chore. And that's why Claire Zulkey is my hero.
Ryan Toothpaste starts the show by telling Simon that his excessively harsh judgments of the previous nights are the "buzz of the nation" and asks him why he's being such a dick. Simon denies he is doing any such thing, because he hates Ryan deep in his soul, but we all know it's because Simon has the thousand-yard stare and can't wait until he never has to sit next to Kara DioGuardia again.
The featured mass sing-along sees the Top 24 singing "American Boy". This song is the sort of thing that comes out of L.A. cabs when you're drunk at 2:30AM. At least that's the way I dimly remember it.
The first round of eliminations starts with the girls, and it's the same old interminable head games that the show has been doing for nine years. Luckily, you readers don't have to wait around for me to tell you that, in a stunning rebuke to crazy religious football players and their sexual needs, Janell Wheeler is the first to get the boot. She doesn't seem too upset, probably because she's got a golden ticket until Draft Day. After singing "What About Love" again and reminding us why she got voted off, she goes away and because I don't watch football, I don't ever have to think about her ever again.
Allison Iraheta, one of my faves from last year, struts out with her new Christina-Aguilera-with-normal-eating-habits look and a song called "Scars". You may wonder, why doesn't the A.V. Club ever write about Idol contestants after they're off the show? This is why. Allison's voice is still strong and effective, but this song couldn't be blander if if was run through an industrial-strength blandercizer set to Mocha Latte Bland by George Blanda. She's still charmingly spastic when she has to talk to people, though. Good times.
The next gal to be eliminated: shockingly, not the doomed Lacey Brown. No, instead, it's down to the largely interchangeable Ashley and Didi, and after the vote, it's Ashley Rodriguez who gets handed her walking papers. Frankly, I can't even remember anything about her, and I just watched her sing two days ago.