And now the continuation of ANTM…
Maybe it's just me, but did Tyra seem a little less TIRED this episode? She wasn't perky or frightening or angry or a confetti cannon of ridiculousisms, as on previous episodes of previous cycle/seasons of ANTM, but something was different. At judging she seemed, well, on edge. Irritated. As if one of her minions had dared to place a single pea beneath the mattresses stuffed with all of ANTM's discarded weaves that she sleeps on each night beneath a plastic moon, carved in her image, at the edge of the abyss, and Tyra just could not get comfortable. Whereas usually this cycle/season she slurps around like a giant slug, at this week's judging she was like a giant slug that had been sprinkled with the slightest bit of salt: Annoyed, and waiting to be tranformed into a dehydrated, motionless log.
Then again, maybe it's just me.
But it wasn't just Tyra who seemed visibly irritated at judging this week. Nigel, Ms. Jay, and Paulina all upped their bitchiness—and not just for entertainment's sake, either. They were genuinely bitchy. Nigel nearly foamed at the mouth when he told Lemur Barbie to find a new look (aka get a new face. What else can he expect her to do? She has big eyes. They're on her face. Sorry). Ms. Jay, after calling Lemur Barbie out for wearing the same dress (gasp!) twice, then proceeded to imitate Natalie's stiff shoulders with extreme malice. And following Tyra's lengthy ghetto fabulous rendition of what "hard" means to her, Paulina spat at Olde Londontowne, "Don't wear those shorts again. They're unflattering." Maybe the judges are just now realizing exactly how boring these girls are and they're lashing out, but they all seemed to be peeved that they had to participate in judging them at all.
So what provoked this tide of bitchiness? A slew of very lackluster New Cover Girl True Minerals Express Blast Quick Step Full Coverage Pulverized Rocks File Cabinets Sheer Powder Foundation commercials. Yes, it was the acting (aka, reading a teleprompter) episode! Ahh, models trying to speak. Will it ever get old?
Evidently. Even Bankable Productions thinks so, which is why, following Paulina's expert acting coaching ("I'm ecstatic! Jump!"), they brought in renowned thespian Clay Aiken to teach these models how to ham on a professional level. I know that ANTM is a world where logic doesn't exist, where up is down and sometimes sideways, where synesthesia is not only a desirable goal but expected, and where "noted" is infinitely better than "acclaimed," but Clay Aiken is an acting expert because he was in Spamalot!? Was Beth Stern unavailable this week? I mean, she's been on the cover of Hamptons six times. She can do anything.
Not only was Clay Aiken the guest judge and resident dubious expert in this episode, he was also the show's well-advertised draw. Every promo for ANTM this past week has enthusiastically screamed, "Clay Aiken!" —which is a weird choice for a show whose chief demographic isn't bored empty nest moms in customized "I'm a Claymate!" sweatshirts. But I digress.