Astro-Zombies (1969)
Director: Ted V. Mikels
Also known as: Space Zombies; The Space Vampires
Tagline: “Sex, drugs, & mind control!”
Choice IMDB keywords: Living dead, science, electrocution, bra, upskirt
Plot: A mad scientist and a murdering mechanical man cross paths with the CIA while being pursued by an international spy ring, in what should be a tremendously exciting, action-packed movie, and is actually more like an epic exercise in stalling. B-movie king John Carradine (the star of dozens of films time has forgotten, including Billy The Kid Versus Dracula) plays a scientist working on a plan to replace a man’s organs with artificial, battery-operated parts; strip all the emotions out of his brain; and then send him telepathic orders via “thought-wave transmissions.” He wanted to use the technique to create remote-controlled “quasi-men” to send into space, in place of fragile human astronauts, but he was drummed out of the Aerospace Research Center for vague reasons having to do with attitude problems and freakish mad science. As a CIA honcho (character actor Wendell Corey, in his last role) explains to his various ineffectual underlings, “When a man doesn’t know the difference between an experiment on an Air Force officer and a cadaver, I think it’s time to drop him from the team.”
After six months of “peculiar murders,” like the stabbing that eventually ends the opening sequence, the CIA has somehow determined that Carradine made an astro-man, and it’s running amok. Unfortunately (as the film finally reveals toward the end), the only brain available for his early experiments belonged to a psychopathic murderer, and he was unable to electronically strip all the crazy out. Meanwhile, an international spy ring consisting of Chinese vamp Tura Satana (Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!) and her Mexican henchman Rafael Campos is also trying to find Carradine and steal his research for their governments.
Key scenes: There are a few of them, like the one where Carradine’s requisite mute, hunchbacked, squint-eyed lab assistant (William Bagdad) just happens to find a crashed car in a field, and drags the dead driver home for retrofitting. Or the one where the rogue astro-man attacks Carradine’s old lab assistant, Joan Patrick—just as she’s undressing in her room, naturally. Or the big ending, described below.
But most of Astro Zombies’ scenes are about either talking or waiting, and most of them look something like this scene:
At least three-quarters of the film feels like a sustained, uncomfortable pause, or like an actor stuck onstage, talking endlessly to cover a peer’s blown cue. Corey explains Carradine’s history and work to his underlings at great length. Carradine spends long, long scenes either silently fiddling with knobs and switches, or delivering meaningless explanations of his made-up technology to Bagdad. Just to make the experience more unpleasant for viewers, both the CIA group and Carradine illustrate their scientific theories by generating ear-splitting, ghastly noises and then standing by placidly while their machines shriek.