August 20, 2008
You
usually get mail about the sex lives of your readers, being a sex-advice
columnist and all, but I have a problem that has nothing to do with sex. I have
a parenting problem, and given that you are a fellow parent, I'm hoping you
have some insight.
My
brother is a social conservative; I'm a politically engaged liberal. I can't
change him, but I'm disturbed because his son, who we'll call "George," is 13
years old and has taken on many of his dad's more intolerant views. For
instance, whenever I suggest that my toddler-age son could have a girlfriend or
a boyfriend when he grows up, George says, "Being gay is just wrong." He also uses the word "gay"
as a pejorative, as in "That's so gay." George takes every possible opportunity
to let us know that he thinks homosexuality is wrong and dirty.
George
loves my son, and my son clearly thinks the world of George. So I have two
questions:
1.
Do you have any suggestions as to how to convince a 13-year-old boy that
homosexuality is okay? I have no parental authority here.
2.
Is there an ethical problem with me trying to convince George to adopt my
values, in spite of my brother's intention to raise his son with "his values"?
Or, put another way, does my trying to sway George without my brother's
permission give my brother license to use words like "fag" in front of my son
without my permission?
Advancing
Liberalism In Youth
Don't
be such a liberal pussy, ALIY. You're letting a 13-year-old boy-bigot smack you
around! It's time to stop wringing your hands and start wringing the little
bastard's neck.
Your
nephew feels free to share his opinions with you—and that's great. Kids
have a right to express themselves. But you are an adult—HELLO!—and you have a right to
express yourself right
back. And you can express yourself every bit as bluntly as George. "Being gay
is just wrong," says
the nephew. "You're just
wrong, you little shit," says the uncle. (That's how my uncles addressed me.)
Then you advise your punk-ass nephew to read a book, learn something about the
subject, and maybe talk to a real live gay person before he opens his fool
mouth to you again on the subject.
Fathers
are free—sadly—to teach their sons whatever ridiculous bullshit
they care to. I'm teaching my son, for instance, that the theory of gravity is
just a theory and that invisible wads of magic chewing gum hold everything
down. Your brother, however, can't expect you to censor yourself around his
misinformed, opinionated son to protect the kid from the realization that, hey,
maybe—just maybe—there are other opinions out there, and maybe his
dad is wrong about homosexuality. So put your brother on notice: If his son is
going to share his opinions—your brother's opinions, but
whatever—with adults who disagree with him, then your nephew is going to
get into arguments with adults, arguments that—with you, at
least—your nephew is going to lose.
Because
you're going to stop being such a liberal pussy, ALIY.
If
your brother insists that you STFU about your pro-gay views around his kid, you
have a right to insist that he and his son STFU about their anti-gay views
around YOUR kid, who might—the chance is small, but there's a
chance—grow up to be gay.
Your
nephew, of course, could be gay himself. Lots of closeted gay teens and tweens
seize "every possible opportunity" to let their relatives "know [they] think
homosexuality is wrong." I'm tempted to add, "And here's hoping your
piece-of-shit nephew is a fag—it would serve your brother right." But
odds are good that your nephew, if he is gay, would grow up to be a very messy
gay adult, thanks to the zap his dad put on his head, and we've got enough
messy gay men lurking in the shrubbery already, so here's hoping the nephew is
straight.
Finally,
ALIY, no one is going to take away your liberal card if you stop working your
toddler son's potential future gay boyfriends into conversation. It's not a
crime against progressive values for a parent to assume that his son will most
likely be straight when he grows up, because—and you might want to sit
down for this, you liberal pussy—most of our sons will be straight when
they grow up. It's hardly child abuse, ALIY, to refrain from asking others to
entertain the possibility that your toddler son will one day enjoy taking it up
the ass.
Seriously.
And
if you are going to speculate, ALIY, how dare you stop at gay? A boyfriend or a girlfriend? What if he's bisexual and
wants boyfriends and
girlfriends? Or what if he's poly and wants scads of boyfriends and
girlfriends? Or what if he's asexual and doesn't want anyone? Or, hell, what if
he's into inanimate objects like that British guy who got arrested for fucking
a bicycle? Or into dead animals like the nut in Wisconsin who got arrested for
fucking a dead deer? Or what if he's a cuckold fetishist and wants a girlfriend
who has other boyfriends who blow loads in her that your son gets to slurp out
of her pussy when she gets home while talking about how much he loves "cream
pie"? Shall I go on?
I
shan't, ALIY, because there's no need. Contemplating—to say nothing of
forcing others to contemplate—our children's future sex partners and
interests is unnecessary. We parents shouldn't be in denial about children's
sexuality, of course, and we should make sure our children receive excellent
sex education. But beyond that, we should demonstrate a quiet reserve, a
respect for our children's privacy, and refuse to indulge in gratuitous
speculation. We can also demonstrate acceptance by being accepting, by letting
our kids know that it's okay with us if they're gay or bisexual—or
straight—through our actions and, at carefully chosen moments, through
our words.
Otherwise,
ALIY, our primary responsibility as parents is to STFU, as the kids say,
launder crusty come-socks without comment, and let them be who and what they
are.
I'm
a female college student and a feminist. I expect equal pay, equal treatment,
and fairness when it comes to chores at home. But I have fantasies of domestic
discipline. Some days I'd like to rush home and clean the apartment and make
dinner for my boyfriend wearing only an apron. Then I'd appreciate it if he'd
find some excuse, something I did wrong, and spank me until I cry before he has
wild sex with me.
I've
got plenty more fantasies where that one came from.
My
guy, being open-minded, would be up for this. But how on earth do I set
effective boundaries? How can you be taken seriously as an equal when you tell
your boyfriend that you'd like him to dominate you outside the bedroom (the
cooking-and-cleaning aspect) on occasion? I want this to be a periodic, not a
consistent, dynamic. It's totally unrealistic to pretend to be BETTY CROCKER
all the time.
No
Clever Acronym
Get
a necklace or a bracelet, NCA, that you wear only when you want the boyfriend
to take charge. You decide when that bracelet or necklace goes on, you decide
when it comes off, which puts you in control, paradoxically, of your own
submission.
When
you're wearing it, of course, you're BETTY CROCKER (whoever she is) and the
boyfriend has your consent to order you about, spank your ass, and fuck you
senseless. When it's off, you're equals. Easy!
Download
the Savage Lovecast (my
weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.